Dating Daycare
Welcome to "Dating Daycare," the ultimate safe space for women navigating the unpredictable world of modern dating. Join hosts Melissa Firpo and Allison Waterman as they dish out candid advice, share hilarious anecdotes, and tackle the toughest dating dilemmas faced by women today.
In a dating landscape filled with frogs disguised as princes and a jungle of jerks, Melissa and Allison offer a nurturing haven where women can laugh, learn, and empower each other to find love on their own terms. From ghosting to breadcrumbing, from disastrous first dates to navigating online profiles, "Dating Daycare" covers it all with wit, wisdom, and plenty of wine.
With Melissa's no-nonsense approach and Allison's comedic charm, each episode feels like a heart-to-heart chat with your best girlfriends over brunch. Whether you're swiping left or swiping right, "Dating Daycare" is your go-to guide for surviving and thriving in the wild world of modern romance.
So grab your favorite beverage, kick back, and join Melissa and Allison as they navigate the highs, lows, and hilarities of dating life. Because when it comes to matters of the heart, everyone could use a little TLC from "Dating Daycare.
Dating Daycare
PART 2: ESCAPING SHACKLES w/ Samiha -"overcoming physical abuse"
What happens when a supposedly supportive partner becomes your worst nightmare during one of the most vulnerable times in your life? Our guest bravely shares her heart-wrenching experience of enduring domestic abuse while pregnant, shedding light on the often-hidden red flags that can signal a relationship's dangerous turn. Her story is not just about survival but also about the remarkable strength it takes to balance work, raise children, and manage finances without a partner’s support. With an unflinching look at her past, she reveals how she found the courage to protect her children and underscores the vital role support systems play for women facing similar challenges.
Imagine navigating the stormy seas of financial instability and emotional turmoil while raising a family. Our guest found herself escaping an abusive relationship with her second ex-husband, confronting the harsh realities of frequent relocations and the emotional strain on her children. Despite facing foreclosure and the pressure to maintain appearances, she shares how she overcame self-doubt and gaslighting to ultimately seek a better life. Her journey illustrates the transformative power of realizing one's own worth and the indispensable strength drawn from support networks, offering a beacon of hope for those striving to change their circumstances.
The path to safety and independence after enduring abuse is fraught with obstacles, but it is not impossible. We explore our guest's resilient journey through inefficient systems like Child Protective Services, as she fought for her children’s well-being, including advocating for a child with a rare genetic disorder. From securing custody to transitioning from a shelter to becoming a special education teacher with dual master's degrees, her story is a testament to the power of perseverance. Her experiences highlight the urgent need for systemic reform and serve as an inspiring reminder of the importance of asking for help, encouraging others to keep striving for a brighter future.
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Welcome back to Baby Gator. This is part two of our story. We are going to hit on the domestic abuse today, physical abuse, where our guest gets punched in the face and dragged while she's pregnant and unspeakable things. It's an emotional episode. She's pregnant and unspeakable things. It's an emotional episode, but she does prevail and we are having this episode. To help any of you ladies, we have great resources that are going to be named, so please join us. It is a amazing story. I have no car, no way of getting to work. Let's go call Prince Edward upstairs yes, that's what I did.
Speaker 1:All right Come help me.
Speaker 2:Meanwhile. I didn't even bother to ask him what his situation was. Why was he renting a room? He just told me Red flag. I know red flag. Oh, big flag. You know what I got?
Speaker 1:to get a flag. I think I'll be right. I'm going to get one of those red flags and every time I have interviews or somebody, I'm going to raise it. Red flag, you know that thing that automatically goes up.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, but it's funny. We were just saying the things that you see now, but you know what? That you didn't see then, but that you didn't see then, but you were in sheer panic. I would have done the same thing, sorry, ladies, if I woke up one morning, had a mortgage to pay for, cars were taken away, no food in the fridge, two kids had to get to school and work at 9 am or else I'm going to be homeless. I would be in sheer panic. I'd ask Freddy Krueger upstairs to help me at that point.
Speaker 2:No I would.
Speaker 1:I'd be in panic mode and back then there wasn't Uber.
Speaker 2:There wasn't all these things. I didn't even know how to use any of that Right. Being honest, yeah, I'm fine now. I learned things my way, but yeah, I could have never been able to. Anyways, he was helping me in the beginning, taking me to work, picking kids up off the school, like really nice guy. And I'm in my mind like how did this happen?
Speaker 1:I'm so lucky Yep, I'm so lucky. The luckiest person God's giving me grace because of all the shit I just went through. Right, I say that sometimes they go give me grace.
Speaker 2:I would say that I guess it was the grace that I got that strength to hold on to and my kids Right, I just kept going because of the kids. There have been times when I wanted to just, of course, like just give me something. Just get me out of here, but just the kids.
Speaker 1:Yep, they kept me going Well, as a mother, they always, because they depend on you. Yep, right, yeah. So the second guy. What was the first thing he did that was abusive? Now, now, wait, it was pretty good you married him.
Speaker 2:No, no, not yet.
Speaker 1:Not yet.
Speaker 2:No, I'm still counting the red flags. I'm still going, okay. Making excuses for the red flags. But what was the?
Speaker 1:first, really abusive thing that you recognized and you were like flags. But what was the first?
Speaker 2:really abusive thing that you recognized and you were like he got really upset and punched me in my face. That's a big red flag. Yeah, and the way it happened was I was a substitute teacher and that day I had actually gotten a promotion. They made me a teacher because I went back to school, so I'm all excited. Coming home. That was one of the days that the schools were out but the preschool was open, so I had to go to work home. That was one of the days that the schools were out but the preschool was open, so I had to go to work and he was taking care of the kids, my kids at this point they're like five, six, six, seven, like still, like you know kids are kids jumping off the couches doing stuff like that.
Speaker 2:So I get home and he's very upset that I had to watch them all day. I lost a job, by the way, he was a plumber. Off the books Used to just run our referrals, and off the books Right, I will underline it off the books that I suffer now because I don't get any child support at all.
Speaker 1:So red flag, yes, red flag, another red flag.
Speaker 2:So anyways, he's like oh, I make money and blah money and blah, blah, blah. I didn't get into details at that point. Why don't you pay taxes and this and that?
Speaker 1:well, in your situation, we weren't even thinking of that.
Speaker 2:Yeah he did give me money in the beginning. Whatever, we were short couple of months we tried to, and then we kind of start going behind because he's not renting upstairs. Now he's moved in downstairs with us. He's not giving me any rent. He's moved in downstairs with us. He's not giving me any rent. He's kind of like, okay, free for all. Oh, I'm watching your kids, I'm bringing food in, I'm paying a couple of bills, like kind of okay, and I understood it.
Speaker 1:Well you were like okay, it's a relationship, now we're going to split the bills, you're not renting a room anymore, so I'm sure he was happy about that Yep.
Speaker 2:So I came home and I'm very excited telling him the news that I got promoted. I'll get a little bit of raise, not much but like okay, whatever, it's a step up yeah. And he was going off and off. The kids did this and this and this. And then I remember on the table there was a flower vase with flowers in it he might have bought, bought the flowers, I don't remember at this time and then he goes, he like swooped the flowers across the table. It fell and broke glass everywhere.
Speaker 2:Kids got scared and ran in the other room and then he came up to me and punched me right in the face and I was on the floor so shocked. I had heard stories and I'm like, in america men hit women like it's true. I had a big bruise on my face for days. I kept covering it with makeup, me kept apologizing to him. He is at this point. He's like oh, I will leave you, I don't have to be here, I'm not taking care of you, like all the blah, blah, blah. Now that I know, after a while his ex-girlfriend started coming around and she was the one who told me you know what he does, right? I'm like what do you mean? I had smelled weird things, but me, being naive, I didn't know what weed is.
Speaker 2:I don't know what crack smells like she's, like he does crack and weed, you didn't know. She kind of made fun of me, laughed at me and I'm like no. How am I supposed to know when I'm never exposed to any of it? Right, I did see different behaviors in him, but I never, like, had courage to ask him. Right or associate you. All I saw him was smoking and he was smoking outside in the yard. I'm like as long as you're not in front of the kids. It's fine, Right, you had other shit going on. Yes.
Speaker 1:Work kids house yeah, stress, it's like somebody walked right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, when I found out that he did drugs and then I started making connections. Okay, so the times that he doesn't have it, he goes in that mode and then as soon as he smokes, it's a whole different person.
Speaker 1:So he's an addict?
Speaker 2:Yep, okay, still is and always will be. He refuses to see his kids.
Speaker 1:So you had one child with the first husband.
Speaker 2:No two.
Speaker 1:Two kids with the first husband and two with the second. Okay, how long were you married? Now to the second one.
Speaker 2:The second one. We were together for like nine years but married only two. Okay, that's a long time. Yes.
Speaker 1:That's a long time, and how else was he abusive, did he?
Speaker 2:constantly hit you. The second one, yep. Then it became the whole cycle cycle, the cycle that they teach you. There's a honeymoon period, then there then comes the flowers.
Speaker 1:Oh, everything is okay, so they hit, he hit you, and then he's like I'm so, so sorry, yes, and then again sorry but you made me do it.
Speaker 2:You made gaslighting. Yeah, right, the gaslighting.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry, I won't do it again, but you're a piece of shit, so you kind of deserved it, but I won't do it again yeah, the narcissistic, the manipulation, it's like he fits the perfect definition.
Speaker 2:He had like two personalities, on and off the drugs.
Speaker 1:It became so clear to me so you knew, so you just started working him for who he was you knew knew, you started knowing. Oh look, he must need the drugs. He's acting this way.
Speaker 2:I used to give him money. Here, go get your drugs.
Speaker 1:Right, just leave me the hell alone, so you don't show me all this Like I can't, I don't have time for it.
Speaker 2:No, don't hit me, don't like, don't Right.
Speaker 1:Go, get off, just get away, yep, okay. So then when was the point in time where you're like okay, I got to get a plan, something I got to get out of here. This can't go on anymore. It's not good for me, it's not good for the kids, it's not good for anybody.
Speaker 2:So I kept making excuses Me. In my mind, I'm in love. I love this person. I will change him, I'll fix him there will be a miracle.
Speaker 1:I'll be better and he'll get better.
Speaker 2:I'll cook better I'll take care of the kids better I'll of course let me do this. He it will help. Like he'll be happy. Let me buy him this right. He'll be happy. And it came to the point then. Okay, his family started coming around. Meanwhile, he wasn't talking to his family since he was 18 because of his behavior big red flag right well, I didn't know at that point yes when they found out I was pregnant with my first son with him we weren't married at that time the the family came around.
Speaker 2:They were all nice people, sweet people, they have houses in new jersey, good people, brothers, sisters. I didn't even know that he had this big, huge family because nobody wanted any part of him, right because of his violent behavior.
Speaker 1:His ex-girlfriend did tell me later, right, you said that he's violent and he does drugs, but I was at that point like eight months in it.
Speaker 2:I'm like, okay, and in my mind you know that self-esteem issue. Oh, I already got rid of one husband. Now this guy I'm trying to make something with is going to leave. What are the people going to say? What I'm going to tell my sisters, right, that all that plays in the back of your head Like this has to be something wrong with me. I don't know how to do things. I don't know how to make a man happy.
Speaker 1:It makes you crazy, right, like self-esteem denial, absolutely, and and the fact that you know what? I always say this, and I've done this too. Listen, women have told me he's not a good guy. And you turn around, you're like what are you talking about? And I always say this, especially online too. Ladies, we have better things to do with our day than tell you that he's cheating on you 99% of the time. We have better things to do with our day than turn around and warn. You know what I mean. Like a lot of times, people will be like oh, she's just jealous, she just wants him back, she just, you know, she's just a Karen, or like this crazy lunatic that you know just is senile and that's why she's doing this, just to break us up and to be mean.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's when you're called crazy, Right no?
Speaker 1:no, they're trying to help you because they're out and they're on the other side and they're like you're not seeing the path, but I already driven down the path. So I'll tell you what's at the end of this path. And we've all made the mistake Most of us shouldn't say all and we haven't listened and we end up where we are. My ex-husband's ex-wife not that I'm going to say she's the most perfect person. She had plenty of faults herself and did plenty of unreasonable things, but she warned me. She warned me. She was like not a no, not good, not gonna turn out good. And I'm like what are you talking about? This is great, guy. I mean, I didn't have any abuse like that, um, but you know it all. It all washes out in the end yep, okay.
Speaker 2:so then you, you're like okay we kept moving from place to place. That was another thing. Nobody advised me at that time. My second ex-husband he was like oh, we can't pay the mortgage. The foreclosure notices started coming in and I'm like there has to be a way we can go talk to the bank. My name is in the house, like there has to be a way we can go talk to the bank. My name is in the house, like there has to be a way to save it. There are millions of programs out there. And he's like no, no, don't worry about it, we'll buy our own house. The fairy tale We'll buy our own house. No, we have to leave. We have to leave. We can't live here anymore. So we kind of moved and left the house.
Speaker 2:I didn't even I don't remember getting any calls or paperwork. I did get a lot of paperwork. I had no idea. Most of it it was basically like, okay, we will foreclose the house. I didn't know it takes years to go through all that and I'm not from here so I don't know. You asked me questions about Pakistan, how banks work there. I can tell you everything here.
Speaker 1:I had no idea.
Speaker 2:So, anyways, so we left the house there. Every place we rented he had argument with the landlords. We moved so many times. My kids had to change the school so many times. My two older kids. They suffer and I am guilty of it. I am very ashamed of it, but I didn't know better. I tried to help, I tried to make it work, right, you?
Speaker 2:tried your best, it just didn't. My two older kids they still struggle. They have tried their best. They are amazing kids for what they have been through, but it's still hard. Right, it's still hard. There have been times that I can see in their faces or they will talk about something and I it just you know, it rips your heart Like oh that was because of me.
Speaker 1:And.
Speaker 2:I just can't erase that. No, I can't ever fix that.
Speaker 1:But you did an amazing job of getting out of it. You got out of it. You got out of it and that's the most important thing you were dealt a very difficult card and that's why I had you on here, because it is just an amazing story and we haven't even gotten to the amazing part yet. That is just so inspirational. That which we're getting to you got out of that you planned. You said I know this isn't good, I know I can do. Well, you didn't even know you could do better.
Speaker 1:You just took a shot in the dark right. Yes, and you.
Speaker 2:It was hard. I kept making excuses. Then again the people at school, or I would hear from the doctors or you know there is help, or you know you can leave, or why you staying? All the things that people say that okay, because I was still working. Work never stopped, I was still working. Then came to the point that his family was involved. So he kind of like, don't tell them anything, you don't have to tell them anything about drugs. I'm like, okay, mouth shut nothing. Every time we went for the christmas parties and stuff, like pretend to be the happiest people, and his mom kept telling me you are a saint. Well, we know him right and the way you are. And I'm just looking at her face and not saying a word.
Speaker 1:You're good at that. See me, I would have said everything. I would have been like I am a saint saint. He's a drug addict. You have no idea. I need help, I need help. But you just see now, hopefully you've learned maybe a little bit now to ask for help when you need it, right, because sometimes that could be a detriment to you. Know what I'm saying. Like maybe you would have been able to just get some help or somebody to speak to and somebody just you know what. Sometimes, when people gaslight you I know I felt this way they make you feel like you're the crazy one.
Speaker 1:And sometimes you just need somebody to turn around to and then say you're not crazy, he's crazy.
Speaker 2:Like.
Speaker 1:I know I have that with my cousins all the time. Sometimes I used to call. I'd be like, am I crazy? He just did A, b, c and D. Is it me? Am I the problem? And just to hear somebody say, no, my husband would never do that, my friends would never do that, my uncle would never do that, just gives you the strength to know I'm doing the right thing.
Speaker 2:Right, absolutely, yep, you need those people in your court. You need those friends, the family members, just about whoever it is.
Speaker 1:Yes, absolutely so then what? How did you get away? Tell us how you got away okay.
Speaker 2:so I had my first son. The family came around, everybody all happy, nice things, blah, blah, blah. We kept going Okay, let's get married, let's get engaged. It will get better. We got engaged, let's get married, let's have another kid. I Will tell you. The second time I got pregnant I was kind of very upset because in the back of my mind I was trying to plan. Kind of very upset because in the back of my mind I was trying to plan some way out of it. And I'm like God, not now Like why, and I guess it just happens, I just could. Never was able to bring myself to get an abortion, doesn't matter, I know your body, your choice, all that matter it. I know your body, your choice, all that. I absolutely understand, right, the emotions.
Speaker 1:I went through, or it was just like no, it's my child, I don't care. Okay, I don't care absolutely so.
Speaker 2:Anyways, the abuse kept. Meanwhile, I was pregnant. Both times I was gotten hit I was dragged on the floor with my hair choked to that me being pregnant him, I'm pregnant with your child. You asshole, what are you doing, right? He did not care.
Speaker 1:He did not care Drugs.
Speaker 2:At that point he was like where are you going?
Speaker 1:Right, right. Where are you going? You don't have family.
Speaker 2:Where are you going?
Speaker 1:Who are you?
Speaker 2:going to tell my mother Right. What are you going to do? Yeah, call the cops on me Right Now. He knows, right, it came to the point that 9-1-1, he's outside and he was arrested. Good, and he was. You called the cops on me.
Speaker 1:I'm like yes, I did, thank God.
Speaker 2:Yes, I did. Oh, you have no idea how empowering that is to pick up and call and even just a cop to show up and get help, and get help.
Speaker 1:You didn't have help for the past 15 years, right Once I learned how to call Get help.
Speaker 2:It's hard, trust me, it's not that easy.
Speaker 2:Right, you're scared they ask you a million questions. There's a lot of paperwork, a lot of things happen before you even get to that point. It was hard. It was the hardest, roughest moments of my life, but there is help. I know it's not easy and I know there's a lot of women out there who think, oh no, we can't. Yes, you can Look at me with four kids. That's right, four kids and the last, last straw. I will just explain it a little bit.
Speaker 2:When I had my second child, the fourth one, the youngest one, by the way, he was born with a rare genetic disorder. Nobody knew what it was. He had a lot of delays. I was actually in a meeting this morning I'm going through a whole stuff. That a whole another story, anyways.
Speaker 2:So my, his dad, his father, my second ex-husband he wasn't supportive in any way. The early intervention specialist used to come home right from the knee cue. He was sent home with all these therapies, the feeding therapy. My ex-husband used to get so mad. And why are these people coming home and looking at my son? God gave us this way. Meanwhile he never been to church, never talk about God. But now God gave you. I'm like God gave you a brain. You freaking idiot. You have all these therapies, all this stuff that can help you, help your child. Like what kind of father does that? I was so confused that my first ex-husband was from Pakistan. I understand his mentality, but you grew up here, your parents like everything here and you're still talking shit. Right, it's your child who needs help.
Speaker 1:Right, of course.
Speaker 2:Here's one of his thing. I would say it. He was so mean and cunning. One of the syndrome things that my son has he cannot eat. He can't feel full, so he can literally eat himself to death. He has no control. So we as adults, we have to measure. And of course my ex-husband used to feed him in front of me just to entice me. Look, I'm feeding him, he's my son, I can feed him as much as I want. How can you get to that point?
Speaker 1:Right, well, crackhead, of course. That's why that's how we got to that point Because he was a crackhead, he was an addict. And nobody on a drug like that is of, you know, stability. There's no stability there. There's no thinking the right way there, I mean. So that's how he got that way.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So anyways, I'm learning about his new, all new thing going through the postpartum depression thing so many things going on. The third day I came back from the hospital. I wanted to be back in the hospital to feed my child. I was pumping, they were putting it through the tube. I wanted to be there. I know I had three other kids but I was like he needs me more. That, that pain that I felt when I left the hospital with my baby still in eq, I would never, ever of course have anybody go through that, and we had one car.
Speaker 2:He did not let me go see. I got in a fistfight with him. My the stitches from the c section opened back up. They got infected me went to my gyne next day and, oh, I fell off the stairs.
Speaker 1:Patched me up.
Speaker 2:Anyways, that all went through and then the CPS was called. In the meantime, I would say with a grain of salt, there might be CPS workers who actually do their job, but the ones that I dealt with always dropped the ball on me.
Speaker 1:I hear that a lot.
Speaker 2:Dropped the ball on me. I would have not been in this situation many, many years ago if everything was done.
Speaker 1:I know Correctly, through the CPS. Well, now, with the whole Diddy thing coming out, they say that I've heard that they've said that which allegedly the CPS workers traffic some of the children.
Speaker 2:So I mean that that institution needs to be revamped. Very scary.
Speaker 1:But I don't hear good things from it ever.
Speaker 2:That's what I'm saying. There might be some good hearted people who really know what they're doing, and helping people, nope, nope, out of many caseworkers they change the caseworkers. They were trying to go talk to him and I'm like don't you see, don't you lying?
Speaker 2:right yeah, oh well, there's the court order. Well, he needs to go take a parenting class. Oh well, the court gave him time. Oh well, he doesn't want custody? Oh well, so he doesn't have to do that. So as of now, I have full custody. I'm divorced fully from the second one too. He's supposed to pay child support. That he never did. His license was suspended. He doesn't care.
Speaker 2:I don't know where he is and still calls to this day with an unknown number. I refuse to change my phone number because I have it for so long and it's used in all the doctor's offices and yep, I refuse to give that up. I'm being stubborn. I am stubborn. No, I am not letting go. Why do I have to change all that because of you? Just block them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I block it every time, but you did, and to leave him the second husband you.
Speaker 2:I had to go through an agency Long Island Against Domestic Violence. There are angels there. I wanted to mention that. Yes, one of my friend I knew through carecom I was actually doing babysitting for her son. She was like my guardian angel. She called me in and she's like you look very thin, is something going on? I just needed to hear that somebody there to reach out.
Speaker 1:And just help you.
Speaker 2:Yep, she called me in, we sat down, she researched. She got me the number I called. They made a plan. They started with a therapy session every week so I was going out I had enough power at this time. I had a car so I can go out for an hour. I started making the plan. The therapists there were amazing.
Speaker 1:Helpful.
Speaker 2:Very helpful at that agency. It was like a light at the end of the tunnel.
Speaker 1:Which is amazing.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:That when you get that right, yes. And then you went to, you took your kids.
Speaker 2:Yes, he went, my ex-husband. He went on a hunting trip. He's a big hunter Not that I've seen him kill anything, but he had guns at home, bow and arrow and all that. So he went on his birthday hunting trip with a couple of other friends and I was like this is my chance. I took the kids bag of diapers and the documents that the agency had told me this, this, this you have to have in place before you go anywhere. I had a car, I took all that, took my kids and I left. I never looked back. I have had moments of those bouts that maybe I can go back, maybe I can fix it. He still used to call me crying oh, we'll fix this, oh, don't do this. And at that point his parents were kind of listening to me. But once he started talking to them again, they all kind of turned their back. I'm the bad guy now. Well, I'd rather be the bad guy, but be at peace, and safe with my kids.
Speaker 1:So you went to the domestic violence women's shelter yes, what was it called again?
Speaker 2:So Long Island against domestic violence. Ladies, if you need that they have a hotline number very helpful. Call them anytime, 24 hours a day. If they can't help you, they refer you to another agency. Everything is very confidential. Nobody finds out anything.
Speaker 1:And then you actually physically drove there.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's another story. For a couple of nights I had to stay in a motel because I had already left my house, but there was no room open at that shelter.
Speaker 1:Okay. Do they help you with the motel? They do.
Speaker 2:I kind of had that money at that point so I didn't even worry about it.
Speaker 1:But if somebody doesn't, I'm sure they send you to the homeless, shelter, to the social services.
Speaker 2:It's very hard, I know it's time-consuming, you have to be in the lines, right, but there is help. They're doing their job. They have to figure out people are not scamming them. So I understand all the paperwork and everything that goes in it. Right them. So I understand all the paperwork and everything that goes in it. Right, it's hard, it's very hard, but you, but you did and then you need help.
Speaker 1:Where do you go?
Speaker 2:right, my mother-in-law the day. I told her I'm like I'm leaving him. I have my kids, I'm just letting you know and I didn't tell her where I was going or anything. She's like go get in the line and social services. They will help you. These are the rich, rich people. So they told me to go get in the line in social services. They will help you. These are the rich, rich people. They told me to go get in the line for the social services.
Speaker 1:Forget about turning around. Imagine your mother-in-law which isn't like here.
Speaker 2:Not even like oh, you can come here's some money.
Speaker 1:Let me pay for your hotel when?
Speaker 2:are you?
Speaker 1:No, of course not. Go stand in line in the ice cold in the middle of. December and social services. December 7th was the day when I left.
Speaker 2:December 7th and December 9th was when I got the room and they called me. It's a small room, I'm like I'll take it, I don't care, I'm out in the. I was running upstate fine, trying to find a place where he can't get me in any way, but I was able to get in the next day starting next day the trip to the social services offices, paperwork, start, looking for the job. I was there for four months and you said they were fabulous they were good, you said they helped you with gifts.
Speaker 1:They were kids. Yes, because the Christmas was there.
Speaker 2:They took them to the Christmas parties. All of them, the whole house. It's different in homeless shelter than the domestic violence shelter Right, you said that. And I was the only one with four kids. There were other women, just one child or without kids. It was a big house. We kind of have chores. We came together, helped each other out. They have therapy sessions there. Kids play sessions separate. It was kind of very, I would would say, peaceful at that time, of course, knowing that you're out of that situation, even though there's a lot more to go through, right. But I was safe with the kids. I had no money again, right, just a little bit. Whatever I had I used it up for the motel. But then I got the food stamps, the medical insurance and everything. That was a big, big help. My kids were fed. They provided diapers, clothes for the kids, the basic necessities, everything was provided.
Speaker 1:That's super helpful and just weight lifted off your back. That those formula diapers.
Speaker 2:formula diapers ladies basic clothing they provide you with everything, everything you just have to ask, right? Don't be ashamed, don't hesitate. I have asked for so many things and that's why, where I am, if I would have not asked, nobody knows. If you don't ask, they don't know what you need. That's right. The schools were fabulous, providing transportation to and back to the shelter. It doesn't matter which shelter you go to, there's the law that they provide transportation till.
Speaker 1:You are in a permanent housing. And then you were there for four months and then they helped you get a job. Another job, yes.
Speaker 2:One of the ladies from the like you know we all help each other out she knew I was a teacher. I had left the job because I was going through this whole situation. She found a flyer oh, they're hiring again. It's called Head Start, long Island Head Start. That's where I started again, went back to work and the day I got my job letter I started looking for houses.
Speaker 2:It's very hard to find a place, especially now. Places are a fortune. Now I have no idea. I had like pads and writing pads and pads full of the addresses going looking for places. They don't want to work with the social services, you don't have enough income or you have four kids. It was very hard to find a place. But once I had the job, showing that I'll make this much and proof some help from social services it was so funny it worked out that way because I had gotten the job. So they stopped the help from social services. But I had both letters. I brought that to the office, the Fairfield office. At that time I'm like this is my income, this is the help I'm getting, even though that was the last letter they had told me because you have a job now so we're not going to be helping you, but the numbers worked out and I was able to get the apartment Right.
Speaker 1:And then they helped you with the down payment, with the first month's rent and the deposit which is amazing yes.
Speaker 2:They even gave me basic furniture for the kids. Oh wow, a couch brand new, everything brand new. You actually go and pick out the stuff and they deliver it to you wow, yes, that's amazing.
Speaker 1:It is honestly, that's really nice to know that that's.
Speaker 2:And then again there's a lot of paperwork, a lot of interviewing, a lot of going knocking on doors here to there. But if you need it, what else?
Speaker 1:can you do, absolutely Right. And then you said the first night that you all slept. You had no like bed, yet you all slept on the floor.
Speaker 2:No, it was just carpet. We were all on the carpet. I put the heat up high. I'm like okay, and the next morning kids just jumping rolling around. I remember I made pancakes after such a long time in my own kitchen, oh goodness.
Speaker 1:Yeah, with nobody telling you you can't use the gas or the dryer, oh my gosh, and you said that was the most peaceful night's sleep.
Speaker 2:Yes, that you got in years and years and years, but you did it.
Speaker 1:That's why this is amazing. And now fast forward to today. How long ago was that?
Speaker 2:This was in 2018, 17, end of 17. Oh 2018.
Speaker 1:March 2018. Okay, so about six years ago, right? Yes, six years ago, and now, today, you're working.
Speaker 2:I'm working. I went back to school Because of my son with disabilities. I needed to learn more. I needed to have more knowledge. I wanted to help other parents, other kids out. A special education is a whole another animal. It is so, anyways, I went back to school online. I got my second dual master's degree through Grand Canyon.
Speaker 1:University Unbelievable. I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 2:I know. Then I passed all the tests, I got certified I'm dual certified and then I found a job better job as a special ed teacher, right. So that's where I am.
Speaker 1:it's been two years, almost two years but you did it, I did it yourself through school. You got the apartment, you got the job, you got the car right, you got and it was such an like oh, got a car.
Speaker 2:I financed a car on my own and nobody's taking your money.
Speaker 1:A bank account. That must have been a great feeling, yes, when you got there, just so proud of yourself. You know, I'm so proud of you, oh, thank you.
Speaker 2:We don't say this to each other. Whoever is listening out there, I'm proud of you, but wherever you are, whatever you're doing, you're doing the best, yes, what you can with all the situations that you're in.
Speaker 1:Right, and what would you say if there is a woman listening? You know I always say this Listen, I try to have all different guests on the show, you know, with all different stories, so it can relate to all different women in all different situations and predicaments. This is, you know, more of the extreme right. I mean this is a more extreme and even if women are listening and they can't relate, like I've never been, you know, domestically abused when it comes to physically right. So it may be something that I can't relate, like I've never been, you know, domestically abused when it comes to physically right. So it may be something that I can't relate to, but what I can relate to are the common red flags that we see Now. In your first situation, like we've said, you didn't have the luxury of even choosing who you were marrying. But the second time time, and now I'm sure you're a lot older, you're a lot wiser, and if you see anything remotely similar coming your way, you're probably like bye-bye, bye.
Speaker 2:You know what I mean. I don't know if you think it's funny or not. I still got back on the dating stuff Me like okay, maybe, Okay, let's try and I have learned to on the dating stuff Me like. Okay, maybe. Okay, let's try. And I have learned to say no.
Speaker 1:Exactly For the first time, right? Yes, absolutely. Because, ladies, even if you're in these predicaments we'll kind of end on this note it is more peaceful being by yourself and doing it on your own, even though that may seem scary. Then it is living in these situations, and that goes for the girl that's dating the guy that's cheating on you consistently, that goes for the woman or the man dating the woman. This can go both ways, Both ways yeah.
Speaker 1:Or the relationship that's physically abusive, mentally abusive, narcissistic. I mean the whole gamut, from one to a hundred you can do it, you can do it. You can do it.
Speaker 2:It's hard. I would never misguide you or say it's easy. No, it's never easy. But if you put your mind to it, like somebody said, and you know you have no other choice, you become strong. You gain that strength from I don't know where higher power, god praying your kids, whatever, but it all just have to. You just have to jump.
Speaker 1:you just have to take that leap and then look eventually, through the hard work, it worked out. It worked out right. You got help and then you got, you went for your master's and your double master's. And now look at you You're on your own Strong, confident and changed woman.
Speaker 2:Thank you. Thank you Welcome. You're welcome. I just wanted to thank you for providing me with this opportunity. I hope somebody who's listening. Even if one person can take one thing, it's so worth it.
Speaker 1:Yes, and we will put the name of that domestic violence shelter on the podcast. Sure, that way any women can look it up and give us the name. We'll put that on there. And, ladies, if you have any stories or want to ask any questions, please feel free to either email me and I will forward it, or, underneath, get in touch with us of the episode, because some women may have some questions for you.
Speaker 2:They want to know I'm here. Whoever I can help, I will try my best.
Speaker 1:Yes, and that is why I love this story and we are so proud of you and I love to do this to try and help women in all different you know, and I'm trying to help the women that are like, hmm, wait a minute, he takes my keys away. Red flag lady, I'm going to get that red flag, I swear to you, I'm getting it. But, you know, just to listen to you and maybe be able to avoid some of those toxic relationships also.
Speaker 2:Definitely. Thank you, melissa. Thank you so much. Thank you, melissa, thank you so much.
Speaker 1:We enjoyed you. Thank you All right, ladies and gents, that is the end of today's episode. I'm glad you joined us. I hope you enjoyed this and some of you got some help or, could you know, help you avoid some situations. This is Dating Daycare, where we help you navigate through the jungle of jerks. If you're with a jerk, we're trying to help you navigate out of that also. Okay, I will see you next time. Have a great day. Bye.
