Dating Daycare
Welcome to "Dating Daycare," the ultimate safe space for women navigating the unpredictable world of modern dating. Join hosts Melissa Firpo and Allison Waterman as they dish out candid advice, share hilarious anecdotes, and tackle the toughest dating dilemmas faced by women today.
In a dating landscape filled with frogs disguised as princes and a jungle of jerks, Melissa and Allison offer a nurturing haven where women can laugh, learn, and empower each other to find love on their own terms. From ghosting to breadcrumbing, from disastrous first dates to navigating online profiles, "Dating Daycare" covers it all with wit, wisdom, and plenty of wine.
With Melissa's no-nonsense approach and Allison's comedic charm, each episode feels like a heart-to-heart chat with your best girlfriends over brunch. Whether you're swiping left or swiping right, "Dating Daycare" is your go-to guide for surviving and thriving in the wild world of modern romance.
So grab your favorite beverage, kick back, and join Melissa and Allison as they navigate the highs, lows, and hilarities of dating life. Because when it comes to matters of the heart, everyone could use a little TLC from "Dating Daycare.
Dating Daycare
YOU CAN START FRESH! A message for Domestic Violence Survivors - w/ Jennifer Capezza "spotting the signs and offering support in complex relationships"
This podcast dives deep into the complexities of recognizing disease disguised as love in relationships. Jennifer Capezza from Long Island Against Domestic Violence provides insights into the different forms of abuse and the critical resources available for those in need of support, underscoring the importance of understanding one’s rights and options.
• Introduction of Jennifer Capezza and her organization
• Overview of available resources for domestic violence survivors
• Historical context of domestic violence support on Long Island
• Understanding various forms of abuse beyond physical violence
• The emotional significance of including pets in the support plan
• Discussing recognizing the signs of a healthy vs. an abusive relationship
• Importance of having open dialogues around domestic violence
• Overview of red flags individuals should be aware of
• Importance of seeking help and knowing one’s worth
• Encouragement to reach out, even anonymously, for support
Learn more about Long Island Against Domestic Violence - https://liadv.org/
24 Hour Domestic Violence Hotline
631-666-8833
Join our private Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/771136888074777
Follow Melissa on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/missjayl/
Follow Melissa on TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@healthychef1
Follow Allison on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/paperdolllface/
Welcome to Dating Daycare, where we help you navigate through the jungle of jerks Ladies. I am Melissa and today I have an amazing guest. I am so excited about this episode. Jennifer Capezza, did I pronounce that?
Speaker 2:right, you did Good, good, good.
Speaker 1:And she's from Long Island Against Domestic Violence, just doing a little follow-up video. I thought this is. I was so excited when you responded to my email because I thought it would be so great to have this on for our guests, so many of our women and so many of our fishbowls. For those of you that watch all the time women have all these questions about is he a jerk? Am I, you know? Is it abusive? And then, of course, for all our guests that are watching that are in abusive relationships. Today we are going to talk about your services. We're going to talk about the line in the sand between is it abusive or is he just a jerk. We're going to give out, you know, emails and give all different types of information for women out there that need help. So I'm so excited.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm super excited. Thank you so much for having us, you know, represented on the podcast today, us, you know, represented on the podcast today. One of the one of the things I always say is that it's it's so exciting to know how open we can be about this conversation now, but it's really just the shy of our lifetimes that that wasn't the case. Right, very true. So our organization was actually founded in the late 70s and at a time when you couldn't have this conversation publicly, right? Um, it was, and some people still don't.
Speaker 1:A lot of it is hidden. A lot of women are writing on social media and we have a fishbowl and we, uh, take questions, we fold them up, we put it and then we read it oh and there are. There are tons of anonymous questions we go over, we try to answer and there is absolutely violence and what do you cut? What is your organization covered?
Speaker 2:so we so I always like to talk about, like it's obvious, what we do, but who we are and how we do it and why we do it is a little different. So the um, the women who started our organization in the late 70s, created a program that was the first domestic violence program on Long Island. We were the first hotline to answer, serve it to provide services for survivors of domestic violence. And one of the stories that she used to tell us is that our first office was in the basement of Southside Hospital in Bayshore right. So today it's called, I don't know, north Shore University, something. It'll always be Southside to me. And just to give you sort of the context of the frame of the time she told the story, they used to smoke at their desks.
Speaker 1:I'm sure they did, if you can imagine right Like on airplanes, right, yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2:And the hotline was like this you know the little phone rotary phone.
Speaker 2:Exactly so. Today that hotline answers upwards of over 5000 calls a year. We're available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We can answer that phone in over 144 languages. So you know when you go into the pharmacy and there's that list of languages and it says you know, when you go into the pharmacy and there's that list of languages and it says you know, point to the language you need. Yes, the National Language Line Translation Service. It is an extremely high quality service. So, while we do have Spanish speaking staff members because that is the second most common- language other than English Right we have.
Speaker 2:I myself have worked with translators to speak to clients who are from China, who speak Chinese primarily, or Haitian Creole, or programs and services, not necessarily because it's what we're supposed to do, but because it's what's needed. So back in the day, what was needed was resources for domestic violence survivors. Now it's evolved to where we meet the needs of the client, not necessarily because there's funding, but because that's what the client needs. So our hotline was the first hotline on long island for domestic violence survivors. Our shelter is the first shelter here on long island dedicated to domestic violence survivors. It opened in the early 80s and before the building there was a series of safe homes provided by volunteers. So if you can imagine how brave those individuals were, right Like to open their homes to strangers.
Speaker 2:Exactly exactly. And then, when we opened the building in the early 80s, we were the first building dedicated to domestic violence survivors. The building houses adults and children. It is also the first domestic violence shelter on the first and only on the island, one of only two in the tri-state area to accept the family pet.
Speaker 1:Oh, wow, okay, Good to know.
Speaker 2:So our organization was the first on the island to really look at what is the barrier Right?
Speaker 1:What?
Speaker 2:are the barriers, and one of the major barriers was I'm not leaving my pet behind.
Speaker 1:I'm not leaving my animal.
Speaker 2:I'm not leaving my pet and you don't necessarily have to be an animal lover to appreciate that and I'm not necessarily going to judge you. I mean I will. I'm going to judge you. If you're not an animal lover, let's face it.
Speaker 1:But it's not just a novelty.
Speaker 2:It's not because you want Fluffy to get her special treat at 4 o'clock. It's because the animals are also a focus of the abuse. We work closely with law enforcement to look and inquire into the, and our advocates inquire into the health of the animal and the safety of the animal, and our organization was the first to get animals named on the orders of protection.
Speaker 1:So if any of our listeners are listening children themselves, their pets they can just bring everybody with them.
Speaker 2:Essentially, yes, exactly, if they need to Exactly, and we've been doing this for 15 years. It started with creating a relationship with the local ASPCA, so that 60% of survivors say they stayed in a violent situation because they wouldn't leave their animal behind, which is unbelievable.
Speaker 1:It's a huge barrier. It's huge, exactly.
Speaker 2:So our advocacy department was the first in the country to create a formal partnership with law enforcement. So today what that looks like is we have an advocate in every precinct in Suffolk County. We have advocates in the courts. We work directly with the Suffolk County Police Domestic Violence Unit because it takes a village, of course. So that program creates a safety net, a system-wide safety net, where we also partner with Suffolk County DA, suffolk County Probation and the Suffolk County Sheriff's Office to create a system-wide approach that ensures and that everyone is focused on the safety of the individuals in that household. Shout out to those partners because we really couldn't do what you do without them and they are unbelievably dedicated individuals in the DA's office, suffolk County PD, suffolk County Sheriff from probation, they are unbelievably well-trained and dedicated officials that only want what's best for their citizens.
Speaker 1:It's wonderful, for sure. So everything's kind of covered, correct.
Speaker 2:We offer legal services. We have a small amount of slots open for legal services throughout the year, whoever we can't serve from our staff attorney. We have a network of attorneys that work sometimes on a sliding scale, but more importantly perhaps more importantly is that they're trained to understand what they're looking at. They're close partners of ours and they understand what the clients are dealing with, the dynamics right.
Speaker 1:Because I'm sure people come to you with all different dynamics, right? Not everybody, for instance, is getting physically abused, some are getting mentally, some are sexually, some are. So everybody's trained to deal with whatever is in front of your domestic violence situation is and then you know what it could be. You know, I'm sure there's a extreme scale if you want to say the extreme, meaning the worst, versus. You know I don't want any of the listeners out there that are living with the narcissist.
Speaker 2:You know who just just because he doesn't hit you Right Doesn't mean it's not abusive and we're going to get into that shortly.
Speaker 2:Yes, but you know, what we always say is that if you've met one survivor of domestic violence, you've only met one survivor of domestic violence, and where our staff are highly trained to talk to every given individual and to assess your situation and to triage and give you all of your options. Our counseling program is adults and children, group and individual. Something else that we were doing sort of ahead of our time was that we were offering telehealth before COVID happened. So when the shutdown happened, we had already had a system in place for telehealth, but the majority of our clients didn't want telehealth. They wanted to. I mean, most of us were like no, I'm not going to do a video chat, like I, yeah, I want to go sit with you, right, right, so, but that also created a barrier because they might not have had child care or a car or a car right or they couldn't get away.
Speaker 2:So now clients. You know now that we're conditioned more for it. We do have some clients that still come to the office and they're certainly welcome to it's whatever their preferences. We also do a couple groups in person, because there's nothing like sitting around a table and having a conversation with folks. But a lot of folks now take the option for virtual services telehealth and it means that they can get access to clinicians much, much faster. Yes, we have a vocational program. We were the first on the island to do a sort of job readiness, career search, resume writing, financial literacy program that is specific to domestic violence survivors.
Speaker 1:Which is amazing. So for women that are, let's say, stay-at-home moms and they need to leave with the children and they're like how am I going to get on my feet? How am I going to find a job?
Speaker 2:yep, that you help them with that also so, and here's the thing, though it's not just that sort of picture, right.
Speaker 2:So, like years ago, that was kind of what people imagined right like you have an individual who's a stay-at-home parent and has no access to the family finances or whatever. But what we're actually seeing nowadays is that it's all different kinds of things. It could be that the offending party goes out and works and sort of holds the sort of victim, their other partner kind of hostage. Or on the flip side, sometimes the offending party refuses to work and the victim is forced to go out and work.
Speaker 1:Or you know what we saw? We had a guest on and what we saw was she went out and worked. He took her paycheck.
Speaker 2:Yes, and everything in between. One of the things that we see sometimes is identity theft, where the victim goes to sort of get ready to leave and all of a sudden he or she discovers that there's mountains of debt in their name and credit cards and their credit is ruined. I mean, try starting over in general in life, or on Long Island with bad credit, right, you know. Or on the other side of that, an abuser might say to their partner, you know, if everything is in the abuser's name might say go ahead and leave, I have everything and you have nothing. Right, you know. And try starting over with no credit history, yeah, you know. So that's a challenge too. And then, finally, our education and outreach department. I always say I don't care if it's five minutes or five hours, I'm happy to show up that it's not just me, it's we do stuff like this. We're happy to come talk to anybody who will listen. But primarily, our core education and outreach is we do presentations for healthy relationships, sort of what I affectionately call DV 101.
Speaker 1:Those red flags we're going to discuss some of those today.
Speaker 2:Yes, because I know our viewers are going to be interested in that, sure, we speak to a ton of high school kids, we speak to a ton of college kids. We also go all the way up where we provide formal in-service training for health care providers, program staff at other nonprofits. We also provide the state-mandated DV training for health care providers, program staff at other nonprofits. We also provide the state-mandated DV training for Suffolk County Police Academy for every single class.
Speaker 1:So, ladies, you're totally safe and well taken care of. If you're calling Long Island against domestic violence, they have it all covered.
Speaker 2:We say that domestic violence affects every aspect of a person's life. So we try to provide services that assist every aspect of a person's life. But and before we continue, I just want to make a note about those services. When you call our hotline, it's not like you don't have to do anything. It's just a phone call, right? It's just a conversation. You can remain anonymous and you can just have a conversation with our staff. Um, know your rights, right? Because even if you have this conversation and you find out your rights and you sleep on it for a day, a week, a month, a year, 10 years, you are still better off knowing If you're going to say no to something. Know what you're saying no to Do you see. So have a conversation. Don't stay stuck because you think you have no rights. I guarantee you you have rights.
Speaker 1:You have rights.
Speaker 2:And there's options and there's resources out there, and you're not alone and I want to make sure they know you cover domestic violence. Oh, sexual, yes, so our organization, li against domestic violence, is licensed to assist domestic violence survivors, uh human trafficking victims, as well, as we are licensed um sexual assault rape crisis center. Okay, yes, so we have. Um, all of our staff are highly, highly trained. And also, you don't have to have your ducks in a row when you call us right?
Speaker 1:do you know what I'm saying?
Speaker 2:it's not like, you have to have um a plan a plan and notes or whatever. That's what we're there for. We'll talk you through and it's for women and men. So domestic violence affects, affects. One in three women have experienced some form of domestic violence in their lifetime. One in four women have experienced physical abuse in their lifetime. The stats for men are approximately one in seven. But here's the thing about those stats. That's what's reported.
Speaker 1:Right, so it's much higher.
Speaker 2:We suspect that it is much, much higher, and what we always say is domestic violence is like a cancer Right.
Speaker 1:It is an indiscriminate predator, it doesn't care who you are, how old you are, what your gender is. That's right.
Speaker 2:Where you grow up, what your sexual identity is or gender expression is. It doesn't care how much is in your bank account, what car, what is what?
Speaker 1:car is in your driveway or if you go to church on sundays, that's right.
Speaker 2:So anybody anybody can be affected by domestic violence and on the other side, alternatively, anybody can be an abuser absolutely it doesn't matter male, female, white, black, purple, it does not matter, right, um?
Speaker 2:and when you know these stats and you know the other stats that we know, you would sort of be surprised at who truly, truly, has experienced domestic violence in their lifetime. And when I say domestic violence, so years ago they used to say battered women, right, I hate that phrase. And the reason we don't use that phrase anymore, um, is because, first and foremost, it's not just women, right, it's men too, it's everyone. Secondly, it's not just physical, right, right until right so there are six different forms of abuse.
Speaker 2:There is the physical, of course, which is what you typically see on the news and typically see as the end result of what it's escalated to. Correct. But the other forms of abuse, now, this is clinical, not criminal. So what I'm about to describe is not a legal sort of thing, right, of course, it's from a clinical, from a behavioral health standpoint, right.
Speaker 2:So now physical, obviously, depending on on right what the charges are, what the looks like whatever but from a behavioral health standpoint, um, there is mental abuse, there's verbal abuse, uh, mental and uh emotional are sort of tied into one another. There's sexual abuse, there's financial abuse and there's cyber. So, and all of those things, um, it can be everything it could, be one it could be a combination, because, if nothing else, what we always try, what I always try to say, is so. For instance, um, um. I can give you examples all day long of each different form of abuse, but you know it you know it right, so more importantly, what a big takeaway I explain is.
Speaker 2:For example, let's say, um, let's say you and I are in a relationship and my phone is the only access I have to my family, who is thousands of miles away, because you moved this away. Right? Maybe this phone is my income. Maybe I'm an influencer, right? Maybe I don't know, maybe I don't know. I fill out surveys and make a couple bucks for myself, right? And maybe I don't have access to our bank accounts, nor our phone bill, right, and maybe you're pissed at me. So you take the phone and you hang it above my head and you say go ahead and leave, or go ahead and do whatever it was you were threatening to do. Right, I will break this, I will smash this and then you will have nothing. So what did I do? I threatened you physically because I threatened to break something. That's very physical, right? And, by the way, if I'm willing to break your possessions, what makes you think I'm not willing to break you?
Speaker 1:Right, of course.
Speaker 2:So I have threatened you emotionally, right, because I've just threatened to take away your connection to your family. I have threatened you financially because this is your income Right. And also you don't have access to the finances, so you can't Get a new one, right.
Speaker 2:So now here's a combination of forms of abuse that is incredibly threatening, incredibly scary and incredibly debilitating. And what did I do? I did not raise a hand to you, right? And I did not raise my voice, right. So one of the big takeaways that we like to talk about is forget everything that you've seen On TV.
Speaker 1:On TV.
Speaker 2:Look, we're from the after school generate right like the saved by the bell. Specials was like our I just aged myself. We're all there can we cut that out um. So you know we are but and so those are very sort of stereotypical situations right.
Speaker 1:So can you explain to our views, though, what's the difference? Give us those red flags for the difference between a jerk and an abuser, because a lot of women I feel are out there and when we go over our anonymous questions and they'll, they'll give a scenario and they'll say am I wrong for feeling uncomfortable like is it me or is it him? Or how do you know the difference between? I am in an abusive relationship and you know, of course, we all know on the extreme level when you're in an abusive relationship. Right, ladies, I mean for the most part.
Speaker 2:It's obvious. Physically it's obvious. It's obvious right.
Speaker 1:But you know what, Even some mental is fairly obvious. You know if somebody's turning around to you and cursing at you and screaming at you. Right, let's talk like right at the beginning. Let's start at the beginning so our viewers can can determine in that first year, three months, six months.
Speaker 2:Sometimes it's the first five minutes and people would be surprised. So here's the thing. So, from a so, let me also say that domestic violence, relationship abuse, teen dating violence, all the things right. Intimate partner violence is what we refer to it as. Because you don't have to be married, you don't even have to live together.
Speaker 1:You'd be dating.
Speaker 2:You can just be dating. We've seen that too. We see it all the time where you could just be dating. So what is the definition of abuse right? What is the difference between somebody who is abusive and somebody who is a jerk face? Right, clinical term? Here's the difference. The definition of domestic violence, relationship abuse, intimate partner violence is it is a pattern of coercive behavior used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over the other. So it's coercive. There's a pattern of behavior and it's coercive, and its goal is to gain or maintain power and control.
Speaker 2:And here's what I say too everybody fights right, everybody has arguments right and frankly, ye olde, you know, come into a middle ground and compromise. Listen, the world is complicated, right, and if you've been in a relationship for more than five minutes, sometimes there is no compromise, like you know, and it's not as simple as you know. Pineapple on pizza, which, by the way, yes, the answer is yes, but, um, it's not as simple as pineapple on pizza, which, by the way, yes, the answer is yes, but it's not that simple. But there's work conflict, there's family conflict and all that kind of stuff, and sometimes there is no compromise. That is not abusive.
Speaker 2:Is that argument coercive? Am I coercing you, like the example I gave you with the phone? Am I coercing you to do what I want you to do and are there consequences? So the power and control is the key when one partner has power and control and uses coercive behavior to gain more or to maintain that power and control the situations which I experienced in the past of I'm going to call it, for lack of better words, the narcissistic gaslighting.
Speaker 1:So, for instance, I know what pisses you, I know what, I know I'm going to hit that button. Yeah, I know that you're exhausted. I could tell, because you've told me you're exhausted from taking care of the two babies at home. But you know what? There's something wrong with the alarm keypad and everybody's sleeping and I'm just going to, I'm going to say I'm going to go fix it, but I'm going to set the alarm off four times tonight and keep waking the babies up, oh yeah.
Speaker 1:So that at six o'clock in the morning, when you have to get up and start getting ready for preschool, you've had two hours sleep and you lose it, and then I start yelling at you like a maniac and then you're the. And then. And then they turn around and say, look at you, you're the. What's wrong with you?
Speaker 2:All I was doing was trying to fix the alarm system. What's the matter?
Speaker 1:My ex did this, my ex's scenario for me.
Speaker 2:he did that and I went off and then he's like what is?
Speaker 1:there is something wrong You're crazy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the C word. We love the C word, yeah. So let me unpack that. There's a couple of things to talk about there. Number one narcissist, because that phrase gets thrown around constantly that and toxic and frankly, the word toxic it just doesn't mean anything anymore. If you are at the end of the day and let me also say this if you're unhappy in a relationship, it doesn't matter what the label is. I agree.
Speaker 2:I say this Let me also say yeah, let me also point that out, Because if you are unhappy every, and this is sometimes what I say to folks it doesn't have to have a label it doesn't matter.
Speaker 2:It doesn't have to be abusive, absolutely it doesn't have to be abusive. Okay, you go, you bounce Right, you don't have to put up, okay. The other thing is that, like, what gets sort of thrown around a lot is narcissist, narcissistic abuser, okay. So the phrase narcissistic abuser is not a thing. Narcissism is a personality. It's a type of personality. Well, hold on, it's a type of personality. The base of narcissism is at the base of a ton of different disorders. Now, narcissism, let's also look at what that means. It means that I essentially from a short version, is the world centers around me, I do nothing wrong, I am perfect and it's all right. Because when people get into arguments and even if there is a trouble compromising, you say I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that, I'm sorry when you said this. It made me feel a certain kind of way and maybe we can work on that together, right? A narcissist says I'm sorry, but you. I'm sorry, but that I'm sorry, but work. I'm sorry but the kids.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, right so, but that is an extreme example of a narcissist right. And it's also at the base of things like substance abuse disorder, because, like, if you've ever sort of come in contact with somebody who's an active, inactive substance misuse, you know they have blames for everything as well. Right so, because the narcissism is they have to be narcissistic or they can't feed their habit. What have you? Narcissism is they have to be narcissistic or they can't feed their habit. What have you? But narcissism by definition, we all have a little bit in us because if we didn't, we wouldn't even shower right you
Speaker 2:see what I'm saying. Yes, so, like, narcissism goes on a scale from like zero to a hundred to a million, right, right. So where in that is because we all have to be slightly selfish, or we wouldn't survive, right, right. We wouldn't have the primal instincts to take care of ourselves, to survive, okay, so let's just set that aside for a moment, right? So, yes, an abuser is narcissistic, but not every narcissist is an abuser. Okay, and it also depends on where the scale is Right is an abuser? Okay, and it also depends on where the scale is Right. And narcissism, by definition, from a behavioral health standpoint, is at the core of a ton of disorders. Okay, so there's that. Because somebody can be slightly narcissistic, ie selfish, ie entitled, ie so infuriating without being abusive?
Speaker 2:Right, is there a pattern of behavior? Okay, is there a pattern of behavior? Okay, is there a pattern of behavior? Is it coercive and what's the goal? Right, is there power and control at risk here or at play?
Speaker 2:and is there consequences, because if you and I get into an argument, whether they're we're in a relationship or friends or whatever, if we get into an argument, at the end of the day we're going to move on and we're going gonna go about our business. And you know, I'm as hey, you're ugly and your mother dresses you're funny. All right, we'll get lost, all right. Right, this doesn't change my life. Is there a threat hanging over my head? Is there a coercion?
Speaker 1:okay, now gaslighting now with either one, like you had said, which is extremely important. Even if there's not a threat, ladies, that doesn't mean you stay. That doesn't mean because you're staying with the jerk, that's cheating on you. You know what?
Speaker 2:I'm saying Right, exactly Lying to you or doing whatever that you stay.
Speaker 2:Here's the other thing that I say too, and we have this conversation a lot with hotline callers because, believe it or not, a lot of our hotline calls are just hey, I just want to have conversation, or this happened, I'm not sure what it is. And I say this and pay attention every human being on this planet, every living human being on this planet, has a right to safety, security and love in their primary romantic relationship. Hard, stop, hard, stop, right this, this sort of bottom basement thing.
Speaker 1:Well, right, and we talk about, he or?
Speaker 2:she doesn't hit me or he or she doesn't do drugs, or he or she's not a homicidal maniac.
Speaker 1:It could be worse, no, no, I am okay, and this is and we talk about this boundaries and setting the boundaries to be higher, and here's a boundary, here's a boundary you can set your baseline.
Speaker 2:Your baseline is if it hurts you, it's not okay, right? And by the way, nobody's perfect. So if I come to you and I say, hey, melissa, when you did this, it hurt me, right.
Speaker 1:And then how are you going to react?
Speaker 2:How are you going to react?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:And from a gaslighting standpoint. Gaslighting is sort of under the whole emotional mental thing because it literally makes you think you're losing your mind. It makes you question your grip on reality. In some situations, or in situations like like you're describing, it's oh my my god, is it me?
Speaker 2:yeah I mean, I guess he was just trying to. Maybe he didn't mean it, maybe it was an accident, right, maybe he didn't mean to do that, but why would he do? No, but yes and it, and all of a sudden you're in this cycle, right? Um, gas lighting is a very complicated thing. It doesn't look like any one thing, right, it could be as simple as well. What do you mean? You put? You didn't put that there. What do you mean? You put? No, it's. What are you talking about? You left it over there. How did they get over there? What do you mean? It's over there. Do you see what I'm saying? It could be as simple as that. It can be. What do you mean?
Speaker 2:You said you needed me to pick the kids up. I never said that. I said I had to work. What's the matter with you? What kind of mother are you that you forgot to pick your kids up? Do you see what I'm saying? It's all these things. It's everything, all the things in between, from zero to a million. Right, and that definitely goes under that emotional mental thing, because you will I mean not that I like to use the C word but you will think you're crazy.
Speaker 1:Right, absolutely.
Speaker 2:You will literally begin to question your own reality, Like if you've heard somebody say like I cannot believe my eyes, you literally cannot believe your own eyes, Right, or your own thoughts whoever's listening, once they realize that they may be in a domestic violence situation or they just want to call and chat and just talk to somebody about it.
Speaker 1:Sure, now let's make clear which I didn't realize. You do not have to once you call, there are services that are provided while you live in your own apartment or safely in your home or you can go to the shelter, but once they call, what is the?
Speaker 2:next step? Sure, well, the next step is determined by that person. So this is something really, really important. So when you call our hotline, it does not require an immediate action, you can just have a conversation. I say to folks sometimes on the hotline, when they're not sure what they want to do, I always say hey, listen, you can call us back tomorrow, you can call us back next week, you can call us back every day with the same question, you can call us back every day with a different question. We're here and if you're not calling, then we're sitting talking to ourselves and that's no fun.
Speaker 1:And that's no fun, you know you'll never bother us.
Speaker 2:I always say there are no stupid questions, you will never bother us, but it does not, does not require an immediate action. You don't have to do anything, just find out your rights, get the information, have a conversation. So, however, when people call our hotline, it can go a couple of different ways. So we assisted over 6,500 people so far this year and we're not even to the end of the year yet. Only a handful of that was in the shelter. Our shelter is a very small facility. It's a very small part of what we do. Alternatively, a couple thousand of those clients were specifically in advocacy. So if somebody calls our hotline, the first order of business is to do sort of an immediate like triage, like kind of like hey, what's going on, what are you experiencing? Sometimes I say and when we train hotline staff, I train them to say you know, a lot of times the client will say on the other end of the phone, I don't know where to start.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:So I say you have to know where they're coming from, what kind of abuse and what's going on. So I always train, I always train the hotline staff to say OK, how about you start with? You can start with the most recent, you can start with the most painful, you can start with what stands out most in your memory. You can start with where it started, and we're trained to prompt that person to have the conversation and then we will sort of talk them through where they are and then, depending on that situation, we will see.
Speaker 2:This is always. This is the first order of business. We triage, we figure out what's going on and then we give all of their options related to their situation right.
Speaker 2:So it's always that situation. First and foremost is safety. Is we assess the safety? That's the first conversation. What is the safety issues, if any? And then we might have a conversation with them about shelter. Frankly, nine times out of 10, they don't want to take that option. Right, and by the way, if somebody says, no, I'm not going into shelter, I want to remain in my home and figure out how to keep myself safe, that's amazing Because that might be their first time that, with their own sense of agency, they are sort of reclaiming their power. And as a domestic violence service provider, we will do whatever it is, whatever decision you want to make based on that. If we give you which we won't, because that would be overwhelming but if we give you five options and you say I want to do two and I want to do four, we say great, here's what we're doing next. Do you know what I'm saying?
Speaker 1:Okay, so you lead them. So, if you don't know where to start, ladies and gentlemen, all you need to do is make the call.
Speaker 2:That is our job.
Speaker 1:That is our job, that's their job is to tell you what the next step is.
Speaker 2:You don't have to know anything. You can just call up and say hi, I don't know where to start, right, hi, I don't know what to say. We say no problem, right, let's talk through it. And we ask a couple of questions because we're highly trained to do that. So sometimes, clients, if there isn't an immediate safety issue.
Speaker 2:So if there's an immediate safety issue, we have conversations about shelter, we have conversations about our advocacy department and orders of protection. We safety plan with them. So that's the first order of business, right? If safety is not an issue, or if safety is covered already, let's say for argument's sake, then we have other conversations about counseling, ready to, you know, career search. All of those other conversations are do you need a referral for anything else? Do you need a food pantry in your area? Because we listen for that, our ears are tuned to listen. So if they mention so, like as as people are talking, because it goes one of two ways either we have to kind of like um, ask the questions and read between the lines and pull it out of them, or they kind of information don't, because sometimes this could be the first time they're saying it out loud right so, as they're talking, um, and this is how I train this, this is how I train the staff to do it as they're talking.
Speaker 2:And this is how I train the staff to do it as they're talking, you're making notes of the information that you need to give them and, like, if they mention, if you hear them say something about a food insecurity issue, you're going to make a note on the side that at some point in this conversation, once you've dealt with the safety issues, you're going to talk to them about food pantry snap. Do you know what I'm saying? So it's not just related to the abuse, it's a ton of things?
Speaker 1:that was my next question because, um, previously one of we had talked with a guest that we had on and she had left for a shelter and she raved that when she got there it was around christ time and she had very young children. So she had her three or four kids with her. Diapers were provided, formula was provided, it was Christmas time, gifts were provided, they did arts and crafts. She said it was absolutely wonderful. Are those things provided? Also, if you're staying at home, do you know what I'm saying?
Speaker 2:Is that available? Sure, so, is that a typical? So the short version is yes and no. So sometimes we have the resources to help our what's called non-residential clients.
Speaker 1:So if you're in our residence.
Speaker 2:You're a residential client.
Speaker 1:And that provides all of that right. If you come with children, the residence has a bed for everybody.
Speaker 2:Right If you come with children, the residence has a bed for everybody, and we even depending on if we have a donation. I like to pick out a stuffed animal and put it on the beds for them and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:Right and transportation to school. I just want. So those of you that were, you know, would have to go to a shelter type situation school transportation, food, all the things washer and dryer to wash.
Speaker 2:I'm just saying like these formula baby food regular food homework help? Yeah, totally. And for the non-residential clients that aren't in our facility, we have a book this thick of. We have conversations with them, what do you need? And sometimes they'll call the hotline and say, hey, I've been working with you guys for six months, but I have a question about this other type of program. Do you have any information?
Speaker 2:and we say, sure, we start flipping well, I need help finding a job, or we have a program for that. But if, if, basically what happens is our services specialize in domestic violence. Right, because it's what we in domestic violence?
Speaker 2:right, Because it's what we do Domestic violence, sexual assault and human trafficking, right, but there's other things that we don't do and that other programs do.
Speaker 2:There's a ton of unbelievable agencies here on Long Island that do either A something specific or like, for example, if our, so our counseling program is short term, it's considered sort of emergent, so like when you go to the emergency room, right, emergent care, they stabilize you, right, and then either discharge you for a follow-up with your GP or a specialist, or you get admitted to the hospital, right, but what they do in the emergency room is emergent. That's kind of our counseling program. It is emergent only, so it's three months and it only deals with the abuse, okay, and then you get referred. So then what happens is there's an assessment done and then, if you have insurance and if it's safe, we'll sort of coach you through how to you know what to ask your insurance company for. You know, do you want an MSW, do you want a psychologist, a psychiatrist? You know what? Know what I'm saying? Right, so there's further care after that correct because we're short-term care.
Speaker 2:So like, say, for example, a client calls and says look, I don't, you know, I have insurance, I just don't you know whatever. So like, maybe they need a counseling program, or um, there's a couple programs on the island that specialize in youth services and you know, specializes in youth counseling, and if that's what they need, we'll refer them to them, do you?
Speaker 1:know what I mean. Yes, so so in those, like the process in those three months, if they did have to come to shelter, you try and set them up to be self sufficient for success. I know our other guests said a job was provided for her.
Speaker 2:Well, so let's Led to her. Not provided Led, she went on interviews she got.
Speaker 1:She didn't have a car at the time but transportation was helped with. And then first month's rent. They helped find an apartment, you know, helped her get on her feet.
Speaker 2:So the programs that are available, sometimes helped or get on our feet. So the programs that are available sometimes. So, what we provide at the Shetland, you know, we provide case management, counseling, advocacy. We'll help you do your resume, we'll show you how to navigate Indeed and all that kind of stuff. And then, yes, we do have options for transportation where, if you don't have a car, we can take you to doctor's offices, we can take you to interviews and stuff. And then and this is where it comes into like sort of you never know what your options are until you ask, yeah, periodically, there are sometimes programs where we can refer. Then, yeah, we can do that. It really depends on the situation and depends on the client, Because on the flip side so here's the other thing too. A lot of times it's just so different. It's the media paints this like romanticized picture of, like you know, people coming to us with nothing but the shirt on their backs and yes, it does happen.
Speaker 2:I'm not going to say it doesn't. It does happen from time to time, but more often than not it's people with fully functioning lives, absolutely, and you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Yes, Especially here on Long Island lives Absolutely, and you know what I mean. Yeah, and especially here on Long.
Speaker 2:Island, we're not talking about. You know this, you know farm mountain town that there's nothing around.
Speaker 2:It's like your neighbor A lot of times right, and a lot of times clients come to us and they are still working. Sometimes, if it's not safe, they have to take a break from work. You have rights for that too. So it's a little known fact that, um, as a domestic, as a victim of domestic violence, um, it's a protected class. The way that um, like you, can't be fired because you're in a wheelchair, it's the same thing you can't be fired because you get sick same thing. So you know we connect folks with, like victims, rights, rights and conversations like that. So sometimes they have to take a break from work, that's okay, um, so sometimes, and especially if it's not safe for them or maybe they have to.
Speaker 1:But you know some folks, like they come into the shelter, the kids go to school, they go to work and life goes on and life goes on, and then other times yeah, just so our viewers know that you know, oh, like you said, I don't want to leave because of the dog. Or oh, how is my child going to get to school?
Speaker 2:or oh, you know we have options for everything, but that's what I'm trying to say so, if there's any of you out there just make that call right, absolutely, absolutely, because you just, you know, you just never know, you never know what's available to you.
Speaker 2:And if you're not ready, that's okay, it's totally okay. It's, more often than not you might not be ready. We've even had folks come into the shelter, leave after a couple of days or a couple of weeks and come back years later. Right, we had one client. When they're Right, we had one client.
Speaker 2:When they're ready. We had one client who was in the shelter 20 years apart, oh wow, literally in the early 90s, and then a couple of years ago. Okay, and that's what happens. We've had other clients where they come in, they leave, and then a year later they're back. And it happens, and it's okay because it takes they're. They come in, they leave, and then a year later they're back. Okay, and they, you know it happens and it's okay because it takes. On average. It takes between seven this is this is what the stats say it takes, uh, on average, between seven and nine times to leave an abusive relationship for good. All right, that's all well and good. That might be the actual act of physically leaving the house, right, but here's what I say. What about the 50 times a day? You think about it.
Speaker 1:Right, of course. What about the 10 times? Or the fights, or the fights how many fights? Or the threats?
Speaker 2:Or the times that you think it through in your head and you cycle through and you say, oh, I can't do this now, right, and like, okay, well, if I got a part-time job now and I saved X amount, like how many times? So really, really, it's like thousands of times. And the other thing that's really important to keep in mind is when somebody is getting ready to leave an abusive relationship. That is an extremely dangerous time and this is when we're assessing safety. This is what we look at, because what happens when you're ending the relationship? They get angry.
Speaker 1:They're losing their power and control.
Speaker 2:So if you can't, that's where you see the if I can't have you, nobody can Right. That's where you see those extreme examples. And yes, that does happen. But what I always say is, if it's not physical yet, if it has sort of plateaued at that emotional or whatever, if it's not physical yet it could very well get physical. If it's already physical, it's possible those physical assaults are going to be more intense, harder, more dangerous. And if he or she has already threatened your life and or has access to a gun or something like that, that person's life is in danger. So whenever somebody says like you know, folks always, I don't understand why they don't just leave.
Speaker 1:They don't just leave, right? Well, it's not so easy.
Speaker 2:It's not so simple.
Speaker 1:Right, and that's why we had you on here, because we know it's not so simple. We hear it, but, ladies, I also want you to know and gents, that you don't get a medal or a monument for staying. Do you know what I'm? Even if, like I said, from zero to 100, even if you're unhappy in that relationship and he's cheating on you.
Speaker 2:It doesn't matter why, it doesn't matter why.
Speaker 1:You know, try to leave, try to call, try to get your. You know, know your worth. Know your worth, you don't deserve this.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, you are worthy of better Mm-hmm. And here's one of the reasons and the children will survive.
Speaker 1:We talked about that also earlier. A lot of women I find are oh my gosh, my kids, their lives are going to be disrupted Now. They're not going to have a father in their life or a mother in their life or this, but you know what? Their mental well-being and stability they don't. They end up needing therapy for staying.
Speaker 2:It doesn't make them better for staying and a lot of times folks will say and here's, let me point out a couple scenarios what if the abusive party is only abusive to their partner and not the children? Or what if the abusive party is a world-class parent by all measure, right, and maybe the abuse is hidden? So here's a couple of things. Number one you have to put on your oxygen mask, right? Okay, you are doing nobody any good, right? None, if you are not fully functioning as a parent, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:That's the first thing. Secondly, that's if let's just say, for argument's sake, maybe the abuse is hidden and the kids aren't exposed to it. If the children are exposed to it, if they witness it, if they hear it, if they see it.
Speaker 2:So. Clinical studies show that just witnessing abuse, witnessing domestic violence, those children have the same exact side effects than if they were directly abused. The other thing is, if they are in fact being directly abused and you think, oh, it's just whatever, it's a moment in time that leads to a lifetime. A lifetime, a lifetime Of emotional issues. Yes, high risk behaviors.
Speaker 2:Yes, behaviors self-worth issues which can lead to chemical dependency, failure to throt, a million different things. 100 literally has ripple effects. It does, right. And then here's and here's one of the challenges too, is that a lot of folks don't know. Well, maybe they don't know it's abuse because it's not like he hits me, right, all right, maybe he or she doesn't hit you, it doesn't matter, right? Well, that's why we said just call Even if you're not sure.
Speaker 1:And you want to call the hotline they're also trained for that If you're like, oh well, he just could lose. Abuse is abuse is abuse is abuse.
Speaker 2:If there is power and control, if it is coercive and if there are consequences if you do not comply, it is abusive because in the example I gave earlier, I never raised my voice right and I never laid a hand on you. That was incredibly coercive, it was incredibly manipulative and it is downright abusive and, at the end of the day, you don't have to live like that, right. You just don't have to live like that, right. You just don't have to live like that.
Speaker 1:And are there any? We always talk about red flags. Sure, so you meet a guy and what are those beginning red flags that you want to look for? That when you see you should just be like I'm good. I always say, and you know, I always say the way a man treats his mother is the way he's going to treat you, and I always kind of try to give.
Speaker 2:And some women are like or sisters like female cousins or whatever.
Speaker 1:Yes, but what are some red flags that you see, maybe from a lot of DV victims that if they would have in the beginning kind of just noticed it, even though it's a little hidden or gets played off, that you could say you know what? This isn't good.
Speaker 2:So the short version of that is anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.
Speaker 1:Honestly, because I feel like a lot of women that get into these serious DV instances.
Speaker 2:They always look back and they go. Oh, I should have known.
Speaker 1:But not only that that they're weak at the time. They don't have a strong usually uh support, a family support. They've either had some um grew up with domestic. You know what I'm trying to say because so love is a learned behavior.
Speaker 2:So if I grew up with abuse, yes, right, so love. So what are learned behaviors, right, what are non? What is instinct? Right, instinctually, we know to breathe Instinctually, we know to drink the bottle. Right, instinctually, we know to sleep. Okay, those are instinct behaviors. Love is learned.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:So sometimes what happens is you grow up with it. You don't know any better. You think yelling and screaming and hitting is love. Well, by the way, your kids are going to learn that too. 100% Right. So that's part of it. And the other thing is it's actually not a question of weakness, because, let me tell you something it takes an unbelievable amount of strength to get out of bed every day in these scenarios 100%. Right, so, but what's happened is they've been broken down.
Speaker 1:That's what I mean by weakness. Of course, now I know what you meant, you know what I mean, I did Like broken. And they're shamed into it.
Speaker 2:Like your example, he shamed you into shutting up, right. He shamed you because, by the time he was done with you, you were questioning yourself as a female, as a human being, with a brain right. Exactly. Wait, did I even hear the alarm?
Speaker 1:Like you know what I mean. Oh, I heard it. It woke me up four times, Four times right, and the babies and the babies right. But I feel like they prey on, they do. They prey on, if you want to say the wrong word, but the weak, the broken down. So what happened? Do you know what I?
Speaker 2:mean it is true. Here's what I will say to that, though Years ago we did think that that they have a type, it's actually not the case, believe it or not. Years ago we did think that. But what the studies have shown, and what behavioral health science has shown, is that it's not the individual that is vulnerable, it's that these individuals, these abusive, abusive parties. They are world-class scam artists?
Speaker 1:oh, absolutely, they are manipulative.
Speaker 2:Yes, right, so the love bombing. So that's the first thing, right um like a red flag the love. But oh my god I love you, the best thing that's ever happened to me. Day two you are literally you are literally literally the most beautiful thing in the world like I've never met anyone like you have high health high, have a healthy and high self-esteem. Please do, but let's be real right.
Speaker 2:You can't love someone in two days and know somebody and stop reading those damn trashy romance novels, because that is not how real life is. Okay, right, it's just not you can't know someone in two Right, right and you know so. The love bombing is huge, huge, huge red flag.
Speaker 2:Especially, you see, like one of the things that we talk about a lot too, is that an abuser has like sort of that multiple personality. They can read people, so, like a. So here's what. Remember Bernie Madoff? Yes, remember that. Did anybody blame those victims? Not really. No, nobody said hey, sally Smith, you're an idiot, right? Why? Because everybody knew that Bernie Madoff was a world-class manipulator. It is the same thing. Why? Because everybody knew that Bernie Madoff was a world class manipulator. It is the same thing. Okay, so it is not your fault, it is not. You are not deficient by ending up in these situations.
Speaker 2:These individuals are world class manipulators and they will love bomb you and they will pick up on your weaknesses and they will pinpoint your insecurities and they will play into that and they will do all the things to slowly it's not all at once and that's the hardest part I remember.
Speaker 1:When I came out of my relationship, it took me at least two years because I was like who's gonna want me? Like who's gonna want me who's gonna?
Speaker 2:if you think back, what was the first time that your gut instinct went? Hmm?
Speaker 1:You know what? There were a lot of different instances that will come to my mind, Mm-hmm, but at the time the first one, and I always say this I wasn't a mother at the time, right.
Speaker 2:Because I had my kids.
Speaker 1:And my ex left a state and his kids and the ex-wife there and came here and went back to go see his kids once a month, you know, which turns out to be 12 times a year.
Speaker 2:To me that's a red flag.
Speaker 1:Now, looking back, that is my first, that's a red flag. I would have turned, but I had no children and I was like, oh look, how nice he spent. He's taking off work, leaving Thursday.
Speaker 2:But really, when you think about it, you're seeing your kids once a month because now you have a perspective of having given birth to humans and you're like you can't imagine only seeing them once a month.
Speaker 1:I mean, how do you even parent correctly, seeing them once a? You're not there for the recitals, you're not there when they're sick, you're not there for the little things or how to ride a bike.
Speaker 2:I have a ton of nieces and nephews and I. I go to the t-ball games and that's right. Like I, I joke that it's all their fault that I'm stuck here on long island where it's so expensive, where I could go anywhere. These rotten children that and I won't even leave.
Speaker 1:I won't even leave my nieces and now, that was my, but I didn't see it right.
Speaker 2:Of course I didn't see it probably told you all kinds of stories about how his ex was the nutty one. Yes, and it was all the ex's fault, 100%, and he's a victim. Yes, right, here is something else, ladies, you're smart. You're smart. If one plus one doesn't equal two, think about it, mm-hmm. And if it does not connect, if you have, if you just that doesn't make sense, if it doesn't, or if you're brushing it aside for one second, you have to say to yourself that doesn't track.
Speaker 1:And oh, let me just right, see, and I looked at it and I'm always like damn it because I looked at it.
Speaker 1:oh wow, look how nice you're taking off from your high corporate job vacation time from Thursday Sunday, paying for a plane ticket, going and renting a hotel, because she didn't make it easy you know what I'm saying, well, right, that's the story he was telling and I was like oh, wow, you know, like I guess, if you're going to move to get a better job over here than you had over there, but now as a parent, I would never.
Speaker 2:I'd take the job over there right and never, even if it was a pay cut or not the best hours go a town or two over right, but how do you leave? So that was my how do you leave your? How do you, ultimately, how do you leave your kids and and only see them once a month? Like I can't even imagine that for my nieces and nephews. But at the time it didn't, it didn't raise a red.
Speaker 2:It didn't raise a red flag and then so some of those red flags are. So love, bombing is key, right. The other thing I will say again, going back to um, anything that makes you go remember that song on the what was it?
Speaker 1:the 80s right exactly you know.
Speaker 2:Or if a friend of yours says, wait what, as you're telling the story, yes, and they go wait what, melissa? Right, wait where?
Speaker 1:Huh, that doesn't make sense, that doesn't make sense.
Speaker 2:Don't get defensive. Right Say wait what doesn't make sense.
Speaker 1:Right, you know what I'm saying. Help me out, help me out here.
Speaker 2:Give me your point of view. Happens um. More often than not is um. It's like um seeds. Yes, so they're dropping seeds.
Speaker 2:Okay, right, so they're sort of testing, you like, uh, what you'll tolerate what you'll tolerate, you'll accept, but yes, and it starts out so slow and it's um, oh, you know, hey, john. Um, I don't think melissa likes me. I don't think I know you guys are real good friends and you've hung out for a while, but I don't. I don't think, like, what are you talking about? Melissa likes you? Totally no, she gave me a funny look, she gave me an attitude All right, well, maybe next time we go out I won't invite Melissa.
Speaker 1:That's the first thing that happens and then the next thing, you know, in six months, right, because it's like, this is like they try to get you away from all, so that you can't bang those ideas or those scenarios off other people to tell you he's nutty or she's nutty, that's not normal.
Speaker 1:That's not normal. That's not normal. If there's no one around you no family, no friends, no sister, no brother, no nothing and you don't go out into the work world or you're not banging these ideas or these scenarios off anybody, then it's all the person saying look at you, Right, what's wrong with you? You're the problem, Correct Not me and that's always like.
Speaker 2:There's a meme that goes around social media. A lot that says like a narcissist will infuriate you and then blame you for for your reaction to their disrespect. Yes, 100, so like and I always say too it's like you, and a lot of folks have been using this uh analogy recently it's the frog in the boiling water, right?
Speaker 2:so if you take a frog and sorry, by the way, animal lovers- yeah um, but if you take a frog and you toss him into boiling water, he's going to hop right out, right, but if you put him in cold water and you slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly turn up the heat, yeah. Eventually, he's cooked before he realizes it's too late.
Speaker 1:Yes, right, and a lot of folks.
Speaker 2:I don't understand why they don't just need Okay, here's what. So how many folks, how many of you have ever stayed in a job you hated too long, Right, or you know where? You were miserable at that job, but you stayed for a million reasons?
Speaker 2:Because, you couldn't find another job or any reason right? Or a friendship that was just with somebody who I don't know, you were friends with your whole whole life. So you kind of have to put up with their whatever or like, continue to invite crazy aunt sally to the holidays, even though she's annoying and she pinches her cheeks, and she's always got something to say about what you do for a living and you know whatever, right. So what happens here is that it's not. It's not like you'd swipe right, go for a date at Starbucks and then you can't live without this person Right, exactly, it happens slow, absolutely there's a slow build and slowly you're intertwined.
Speaker 2:Because imagine now that instead of just a job you hate, now it's a relationship. And now you've been in a relationship for however long, and now you I don't know have moved in together, because narcissists that an abuser will move fast. That's another huge red flag. Is that very, very quick movement, quick involvement? Um, and now you live together and I don't know your phone plans are connected and I don't know.
Speaker 1:Instead, of working full-time.
Speaker 2:You're part-time and then now you have, and then cuts you, you have kids, yeah so now your family and friends?
Speaker 1:yeah, kids change everything. And now you have, and then cuts to you have kids, yeah, so kids change everything.
Speaker 2:Yeah, kids change everything. And now you have family and friends that aren't speaking to you anymore. And now the next thing you know, your entire life is wrapped up in this person. Oh and, by the way, you're still in love with them, right. You're still in love with them because an abuser is not an abuser 24 hours a day. Right, what they do is there's an abusive.
Speaker 1:Like a high-low, high-low, high-low.
Speaker 2:And here's the other thing Remember the whole. I'm sorry, but you yeah. And like the story that you told about the. So what happens is Then you feel bad. I'm blaming myself now, yep. It's all my fault he, you know what he's, you know, oh my god, he or she's right, because if I didn't x, y and z, then right if I didn't scream at five o'clock in the morning and went off.
Speaker 1:I'm a bad mom, a bad partner. I'm bad that like, yeah, right, because you start to it's like it's almost like that stockholm.
Speaker 2:You literally kind of in some ways get brainwashed. Yeah, right, absolutely. And again, though, I will point out that they love that person too, right, of course, they still love that person, right, because that?
Speaker 1:person Wasn't who you expected them to be. No, you thought they were going to be A and they turned out to be Z. But if they have an ex-wife, you could just call the ex-wife and she'll tell you who they are.
Speaker 2:And trust that story. And here's the other thing too, because when that abuser is cycling in and out of their poor behavior, what happens is the average person doesn't believe that the monster is the real person, Partially because there's all kinds of excuses and stories and all the kind of stuff about why you think they're going to go, but well, they'll go back to the way he was.
Speaker 1:So they think the calm person Right Is the real person and it's not. The monster is the real person. Absolutely, yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2:But that person has you so confused and so wrapped up and sometimes gaslighting or whatever. So I would say any form of seeds of control. Yeah, so I would say any form of seeds of control, like if they're trying to see if they can get away with controlling any aspect of your life.
Speaker 1:I'm talking about when you first start dating or anywhere, absolutely.
Speaker 2:I don't know, maybe you got I don't know pink polka dot sneakers that are your favorite things and they want to push you into not wearing them or something.
Speaker 1:Do you know what I'm saying?
Speaker 2:Yes, can be so little, little. And then if you again, if you say, tell me what kind of sneakers I can wear, right, like you know, and you take for granted here's what guys you take for granted. Like, yeah, we're from the northeast, we're new yorkers, which are we were talking about. Like this morning you were like changing your own tire and I'm like I changed my own tire too, like we're tough girls. Like this morning you were like changing your own tire and I'm like I changed my own tire too. Like we're tough girls. Like, whatever, do not underestimate what a romantic partner can do to you. Right, because, again, master manipulators, bernie Madoff, dirty John, right, the Dirty John series on. First it was a podcast, then it was a Netflix thing. Yeah, that woman was a million dollar business owner, highly intelligent. By the way, the podcast is better than the netflix side note thing. The podcast was better, um, because that it really showed really what was happening and she was a million dollar business owner. Yeah, and, by the way, right, his story was absurd.
Speaker 2:His story was now looking at it now, when you, when you look through, when you hear the story in retrospect, you're like, oh my God, that's absurd. But in the moment you can see the grooming process that he has with her is fantastic.
Speaker 1:Fantastic example of, and it can happen to anyone, anybody, right. So how can the viewers get in touch?
Speaker 2:Sure, sure, anybody right. So who? So? How can the viewers get in touch? Sure, so, um, we are. So, first of all, if you google anything related to domestic violence on long island, we come right up.
Speaker 1:Okay, um and um, we are gonna post, you're gonna post all my stuff. Yes, we're gonna post the email, handy dandy, the phone number of how you ladies can get in touch.
Speaker 2:So our hotline is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Remember that old commercial you can call us New Year's Eve at midnight. Yes, you can literally call us New Year's Eve at midnight and we will be there. 631-666-8833 is our 24-hour, seven-day-a-week hotline and, as a reminder, we can utilize translation services.
Speaker 2:Right Any language Any language and, as a side note, let me also put this out there Regardless of your documentation status, you have rights as a victim of a crime. It does not matter. It does not matter how you came here, how long you've been here, while you're here. What your paperwork is, if you have, doesn't matter. You have rights, um, and our website is liadvorg, which just has you know basic information about if you want to kind of putz around, get to know us a little bit, right, um, oh, and you can follow us all across social media, because our social media is fun too, because sometimes we have, like you know and I myself and my team do that and we like our social media is we are all across social media at L-I-A-D-V-O-R-G, so no dot there.
Speaker 1:L-i-a-d-v-o-r-g, we're on Instagram, facebook and we'll list all of those for our viewers and then, if you have any quick questions that you want to just ask me, I can always relay it to you 100%.
Speaker 2:You can call me anytime. Ah see, I got confluence.
Speaker 1:So yeah, so, if you guys, everything will be listed the phone number, the email, the social media. If you have any quick questions, please feel free to just write us on the podcast and if you have any other categories or whatever that you want us to go, over, or like deep dives, if you want, or deep dives.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we can have Jen come back and we can do a deep dive on one of those questions that you have. So please do write us and ask, and thank you so much. Thank you so much. We could also do a part. This was so fun, yes, and I'm so happy that you came on and I was able to provide this information to our viewers. Or if you have cousins or mothers or father, aunts and uncles, please direct them to the podcast and to Long Island domestic violence. Thank you so much for listening.
Speaker 2:And watching apparently, yes, yes, we're going to launch on YouTube.
Speaker 1:So this is a big week, a big week for us here at Dating Daycare, but thank you so much for watching and we will see you next time. Bye.
