Dating Daycare

NAVIGATING THE DATING APPS - Finding Love in the Chaos of NYC w/ Courtney

• Allison and Melissa • Season 1 • Episode 18

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What happens when a successful New Yorker navigates the whirlwind of online dating and triumphs in the jungle of jerks? Meet Courtney, our lively guest, who has cracked the code to finding love through platforms like Match, Bumble, Hinge, and even the exclusive Raya. With humor and wisdom, Courtney recounts her journey from the early days of Tinder to a meaningful relationship, proving that amidst the chaos, success stories are very much possible. Tune in to hear her insights and strategies that bring hope to those feeling lost in the world of dating apps.

Join us as we explore the unique challenges faced by singles in big cities, where the abundance of options can make real connections feel elusive. We have an honest conversation about the decline in social skills as dating apps take center stage, and we address the frustrations of endless messaging that never leads to face-to-face meetings. With Courtney's anecdotes, we highlight the importance of being proactive and setting realistic expectations, while also having fun along the way. We also dive into mastering the online dating game, focusing on recognizing red flags and understanding personal intentions to ensure you're on the right path to love.

Whether you're a divorced mom or someone who simply hasn't found the right partner yet, we've got practical advice to keep you grounded and true to yourself. We discuss the importance of understanding non-negotiables and the courage needed to walk away from relationships that don't meet your core values. Our episode is filled with laughs, revelations, and encouragement, urging listeners to embrace their dating journey with an open mind, a sense of humor, and a firm commitment to finding meaningful connections.

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Speaker 1:

Welcome to Dating Daycare. Another episode, and we are going to help you navigate through the jungle of jerks. Ladies, I am Melissa and I'm Allison, and today Allison has brought on a wonderful guest. Who have you brought on, Allison?

Speaker 2:

I'm super excited to have today's guest. I think she's a total badass. She's smart, sweet, super successful. Her name is Courtney. She is going to share a dating success story in what seems to be a sea of horror stories. So I'd just like you to share your experience about singlehood, specifically about navigating the apps successfully. So if you could introduce yourself, tell us a little bit about yourself where you're from, how old are you?

Speaker 3:

Thank you and thank you guys so much for having me today. I was really excited to be here. I have a lot of experience dating. Living in New York City for the past 20 years has really changed a lot with the dating scene, so hopefully I'll be able to give some good tips for some people out there who were definitely in my feet or in my shoes, I should say for a while. So I'm 42 years old, I live in New York City. I currently have an amazing boyfriend who we've been together now for a little over a year and we're planning to move in together early next year and the next step should follow. So I'm really excited about that. Congratulations.

Speaker 1:

Thank you, congratulations. Navigating a jungle of jerks.

Speaker 3:

And you finally made it to the end of the road.

Speaker 1:

Yes, the light at the end of the tunnel. Absolutely, and you're going to help our viewers. Today we're going to give you some. Well, I'm not ladies, because you obviously know I don't touch the apps with a 10-foot pole, but Allison does and you do, and today we are going to help you navigate through those apps and I'm sure you're going to give them some wonderful tips.

Speaker 1:

Some strategies, some those apps, and I'm sure you're going to give them some wonderful strategies and tips, because there are a lot of questions on that yeah, we say sure, I've definitely had some experience there.

Speaker 3:

So what apps have you been on? I've been on most of them. I have been on match, I've been on bumble hinge raya um gosh. I think there there's gotta be another one or two in there.

Speaker 1:

Match right, and what's wait? What was that first one that came out? E-harmony.

Speaker 3:

Yes, that's not a great one for younger people.

Speaker 2:

I went on that when it first launched Not like a month On the old fashioned website. It was like dialogue mode.

Speaker 1:

Yes, I was on it for a month and then go. I can't do this.

Speaker 3:

It was. Eharmony is better for, I think, more mature people who've maybe been married before. Maybe they're a little bit older. It's a very long process.

Speaker 1:

You have to answer four million questions.

Speaker 3:

I was like halfway through I'm like I can't do this and I had no matches.

Speaker 1:

At the end, there were no matches. It says we don't have anyone for you. At the end, there were no matches. It says we don't have anyone for you.

Speaker 2:

I was like, oh my God, it would be like some guy. It would be like Wilbur in Idaho. You might have had too many filters.

Speaker 3:

That might have been part of the problem too. Probably Too many filters and boundaries.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 1:

Things I don't want right.

Speaker 2:

So, courtney, tell us about when you first started the apps, about how old were you and about how old were you and what was that experience like?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, so Tinder was one of the first like phone apps that came out.

Speaker 2:

It was way before it became kind of like the hookup app that it is now. It was about like 2011,. 2012,. Something like that.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, I think you're about right because I think it was about 30, 31 or so, and it was new, it was novel. It was something that I was like, oh wow, this is cool, you have your smartphone, you can kind of go on it and meet guys. And so I made a profile, and not much has changed from then to what it is today, except that was the first one, and so it was really fun to meet people who you never would have normally met, because you're always going to maybe the same bars with the same groups of people, and this expanded your universe. And at the time again, because it was new for everybody, people were genuine on it, and so I met some really great guys, and although obviously it didn't work out with any of them, I'm actually still friendly with some of them.

Speaker 3:

We'll touch base here and there and just say hello. I recently helped one connect with another friend for a business venture, so it was just like a fun, nice time, more lighthearted. More lighthearted Because at that time, we were still doing the traditional route, we were still going out with our friends, we were meeting guys at bars, we were getting picked up at bars.

Speaker 1:

Not everybody was on it, it was new it was new. Now everybody's on it, but we were saying earlier we were discussing this, I find that a lot of women that sort of that are older like us, that friends are married, have kids or you know. Whatever the situation is Sometimes if you don't have those work friends, or even if they're married, it's hard to find people to go out with.

Speaker 2:

It's hard to find other single women to connect with, and often you find yourself doing these sorts of things on your own Right, and if you're not comfortable doing it on your own, like I have?

Speaker 1:

no problem, I do, I've done everything on my own. But if you're not comfortable with something like that, this does give you the option to always have a reason to go out If you have the time and you don't have kids. It gives you the excuse, so to say, and you're not by yourself, I mean you don't have kids.

Speaker 3:

It gives you the excuse, so to say, and you're not by yourself. Yeah, it does. It's also you know the thing too. Today, in today's world, men do not pick up women the way they used to. So I could sit at a bar by myself at the end of workday and before I go home and have a drink and, just you know, hang out. No one's coming up to you the way they used to. I could be out with a group of girlfriends. Guys are not coming up to you and introducing themselves and asking you to buy a drink. And I've spoken with my single guy friends and I'm like why do you not do this anymore? And they're like we just don't have to. So they can sit on their phone and just scroll, scroll, scroll and go out with a new girl every night. It was way easier than putting in the effort and saying, which is scary, I'm so-and-so, and you guys can actually chat and get to know each other and decide if you even like each other to go out again. And that's not happening.

Speaker 3:

Back in the day I would be at the best, coolest, most fun restaurants. I would sit there with a group of girls and the host would come over and say oh, the gentleman over there brought you and your friends dinner. That happens. I would go out and I would meet guys. They'd buy you a drink and I would decide, yeah, this guy's cool, we had a good conversation, I'll go out with him again because you had the opportunity to get to know them, whereas with the apps, unfortunately, it's come down to that, because guys don't do that anymore, it's become really easy for them to find a new girl to go out with every night. Keep it super casual and unfortunately, what that does is you wind up connecting with people who probably aren't great for you, which is why a lot of these things don't work out. But you don't know that because you really haven't had a chance to talk with them and get to know them the way you used to when you would meet them out.

Speaker 1:

See now, when I go out, maybe because I go to places where they're older more than younger, yeah, so I'd say 40 and above, or restaurants. So, as somebody that's never on these apps, I will tell you they do. Do that, not that I'm interested in some of them, some of them.

Speaker 1:

You know you are some of them, you aren't. But here's another thing coming from my perspective if I'm out and you're looking at me and you don't have the wherewithal to be able to tell the bartender you want to send me a drink I'm just saying you know the guys that are like oh, I don't have to anymore, I'm just scrolling. You can continue scrolling and harass those women, because if you can't send over a drink, what kind of companion?

Speaker 2:

are you, these men, I think, just to piggyback? On what you said yeah, they're just, they've lost those kinds of social skills.

Speaker 3:

I agree they've lost those skills because they can and I you know scary.

Speaker 1:

I live in manhattan and it's probably worse.

Speaker 3:

It is worse because a there's eight bazillion times more women and there's any big or any big city, any big city, but Manhattan is notorious for being a tough dating scene. I mean, it's written up in all the different articles. I think I sent you that article. Yes, you did. I forgot what it was. It was paper magazine.

Speaker 2:

I don't know what it was, but it was some survey that showed that New York which it wasn't, what was not surprising it's like is the sky blue, is the grass green. New York is the worst single city in like North America in which for a single person to live and meet people, because there's so many options. It's a big city.

Speaker 3:

And also even if you are trying to still go out and meet people, there's a million bars and restaurants. So the likelihood that you're going to actually connect with someone at the one place in the one neighborhood of Manhattan that you happen to be in, when there's 4,000 restaurants on the same block, is not the same as if you live in a smaller city, where there's just less options. So now there's less places for people to go, so that makes it difficult, but there's also just a lot of options. There's a lot of very successful women, a lot of beautiful women, a lot of successful men, which I'm sure this is for a lot of big cities that our listeners are listening to.

Speaker 1:

So what can you give us to help women navigate and sort of jump over? Because I see a lot of women writing on social media that go on these apps and they're like, oh, he wants to. You know, he's written me 50 times and we haven't done a date Like give us those most famous red flags that our viewers could say up, that happened to me. Run or up, wait. This shouldn't be this way.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, it's a good question. So I think we everybody who's been on the, on the apps should have by now figured out what those red flags are. They haven't Somebody who?

Speaker 1:

They definitely haven't. Let's go through them. Yes, let's go through them.

Speaker 3:

Somebody who writes you on the app or then maybe asks for your number after, so they can text or call, and then doesn't follow up. You know, if the guy's there like every other day or you write something and then he doesn't write back till like 12 hours later, that's a red flag, because what it shows is the person is just really not committed to the process. They're not committed to finding a person. This is a person who is just more committed to okay, who's right by me right now.

Speaker 1:

Swipe, swipe, swipe, let me go out just entertaining himself or creating a roster, a group of women, exactly Right. So they should be excited. When they click on you, however, it works, and they write you and you write something back, you know, within a reasonable amount of time, that day at least, oh, absolutely.

Speaker 2:

Some kind of intentionality and purpose.

Speaker 1:

Okay, yeah, and.

Speaker 3:

I think what's really important for women to know is what they're looking for. What are you looking for when you're on these apps? Are you looking for a relationship? Are you looking for marriage? Are you looking to have children? Are you just there for a good time, which is perfectly acceptable as well? Not everybody's there to find their mate for life, so I think that's totally fine.

Speaker 3:

But once you know what that is, when you start making your filters, you could be a little bit more intentional with what you're looking for. So don't leave your filters totally unchecked, because you're going to attract guys who probably aren't going to be right for you. If you're not into somebody who anything, doesn't have a college degree, but you don't check that off. Well, now you're going to get guys who don't have college degrees, which again totally fine, but if that's not for you. So make sure you're intentional so that you're attracting the right people.

Speaker 3:

Make sure your conversations are good and they're not half-assed just oh, I hear from you every once in a while. That's not going to get you to where you want to be and then make sure that when you actually do have your conversations, you enjoy them. Are you enjoying the banter? Does the content align with what you're looking for? Do your values seem the same? Have you done the same things? Are you in the same place in your life? Are you then taking it off of the app to text message or phone and then, within a reasonable time, maybe that week or so, are you guys meeting, and I think some people like to do a facetime beforehand.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, because I was just saying for all those ladies that are just getting into the apps um, my question is always you have this picture of somebody, you're getting on the phone with them. Yeah, maybe, maybe the banter's great and it's aligning, but you don't even know if that picture is the person.

Speaker 2:

So yeah, worried about catfish.

Speaker 1:

Or a picture from 10 years ago. So we were discussing this earlier. I had said, if it were me, which it never is, but if it was, I would immediately. I don't care if my hair was up in a bun and I just got out of the shower. I would have to FaceTime them and actually physically see the person is somewhat in the realm of who they said. I mean, you said you've gone on dates and they're 10, 15 years older than the picture.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely, that's before. I put like a process in place to help me to have a more successful date.

Speaker 1:

And here's the other thing we were saying also you, single, never married, no kids. Now if I were on this app, allison, also single, no kids, I feel like for those moms out there getting into the dating world who have kids, you were like I'd rather plan the date, meet them after work and then see that they are who they are, because it's only an hour drink For those moms like me, maybe the old term, because I don't have the time for that. The kids are coming home from school, we're rushing from work, we're, you know, going to football. We don't have the time, maybe after work, to go readily grab that drink. So then maybe for those applicants, those women, the FaceTime might be a quick one-shot deal to weed through.

Speaker 2:

So just to backtrack a little. So, courtney, when you first went on the apps, it was more fun. It was the advent of Tinder. So as time elapsed and it became, it kind of evolved a bit into a more serious kind of platform. What was your experience like then?

Speaker 3:

Yeah, and how does that differ? Like everybody else's, not right away, not right away, no, but as it evolved to today, because now our listeners.

Speaker 1:

Maybe they weren't on it back then, you know, but they're on it today, yeah.

Speaker 2:

So what I'm trying to ascertain is what were you doing back then? That is different from what you were doing when you met your guy. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1:

So you're right, it has evolved. So it has evolved.

Speaker 3:

You know it went from being a fun, novel, innovative thing To a job, to a job. It really becomes like a full-time job Again, if you're looking for something serious, because you have to be on there all the time, there's always going to be new people and you have to be the one to follow up on the conversations too. You can't leave everything to the guy. So if you're interested in someone and he writes you, you have to check your app and there are some apps that time out.

Speaker 3:

So if you don't get to the person within 24 hours, the Bumble Correct the. Bumble, it will time out, and then you lose that connection.

Speaker 1:

Do you find that there is? See, I don't know. Do you find that there is a good turnover? Because I see through, are we dating the same? All these other social media apps that I'm on, I find someone say, oh, he's on, every single he's on.

Speaker 2:

Everyone is on everything. Everyone is on everything.

Speaker 1:

Is there a good? Is there a turnover on those things?

Speaker 3:

You see that you generally see the same people. But what I've learned interestingly and this is a good tip is so, initially, when you join these apps and this is what I one of the things I started doing as I- became more serious in my search.

Speaker 1:

I'm sure you're overwhelmed because everybody notices you're new.

Speaker 3:

They can check, you can filter by, like, you can sort by new, you could sort by anything though distance age, but it's more about being intentional with what you're looking for, like you said yes, and that's really important. That's something I started doing differently when I became more serious and finding somebody I had met. I had met. Let's see, I think I was in my early 30s. I was, I was with somebody. I had a boyfriend. We broke up and I saw it started to become harder and harder to meet people out or through work or whatever. I then met somebody else through work. We were together for about a year and a half or so, and that was ended when I was about 33. And that's when things started to get really difficult, because now not just Tinder was available, but Bumble Hinge, all these different things, cause it was like, wow, this is a billion dollar industry. So there became so many.

Speaker 1:

Exactly Now I can say one of the fortunate and I'm sure, the pool of guys too, right.

Speaker 3:

Some people were divorced now.

Speaker 1:

Some people might have had kids now. Right when before everybody, because you know, I see, even on that, on the apps, as you get older, people have more baggage.

Speaker 3:

It does, but it also depends what your filters are. So when I was 30, I was not look on my list.

Speaker 1:

You know, on my filters I didn't have guys 40 and over.

Speaker 3:

You know, of course, now my boyfriend's nine years older than me and I don't even think about it, but that's, you know, when you're young that makes a difference. So I wasn't meeting divorce. Yeah, there was like one or two, I think. There was a guy I met who we dated for like a month or two, actually really nice guy, and he was divorced, but it was more of like an annulment because he got married young and they divorced after like 11 months. But it wasn't the guys who, when I became in my late 30s or when I was 40, who I was like all right, now I'm going to find a 10 years older and, yes, those guys are more likely going to be divorced, and with kids. Now, for me, having children was not a priority for me.

Speaker 3:

I never really wanted to be a mom I think I would make a great one but my priority was always finding my perfect mate because I knew I would have to be with him for life. My parents had been married for 55 years. They've set an unbelievable example as to what love and commitment and dedication looks like, and I really wanted that for myself. So for me, finding the right partner was my priority over children. So when I got to the age where I was like, all right, I can't start dating the 35-year-olds anymore, I got to date the 50-year-olds and so forth. I knew I was going to likely meet a guy who probably was divorced with children.

Speaker 1:

And that was okay for me because I thought stepkids is great as long as they're nice, Not a bunch of little bitches, but you know they're nice.

Speaker 3:

And that would be. That's okay with me, as long as there was a good family and everybody was okay with it. So that was important to me, and so you adjusted your filter.

Speaker 2:

I adjusted my filters Exactly.

Speaker 3:

And when I started having more experiences and, like you said earlier, a little bit more baggage, if you will, which is you know, I've learned from relationships that hadn't worked. I've learned more about myself. I've become more involved in my career. I've become financially successful. I don't need to rely on somebody else, and I certainly don't want to find somebody who's going to rely on me.

Speaker 3:

I want to find somebody who is extremely smart. I'm attracted to very smart men, so having a big degree, a big job was important to me. Again, those are the things that when you're young, you're not really thinking of. As I got older obviously my parents are going to get older who's going to be a good partner so that, if God forbid something happens, he's going to be able to stick by me and help me through those things, the way I will with him? And so what I was looking for in a person really changed.

Speaker 3:

And that's how, when I was, you know, kind of I guess I would say I broke up with my last boyfriend at 39 and I got back on the apps again. I was still trying to look for that type of person. And when you get more, I think serious and you know yourself and you can be true to yourself about what's important to you, what your non-negotiables are, what you're looking for, then you can really easily talk to a guy or meet him out and say you're looking for. Then you can really easily, you know, talk to a guy or meet him out and say you're not familiar.

Speaker 3:

Like there's a, there's going to be those signs. He's, you know he's on his phone the whole time you're on a date or he's looking around or a pretty girl walks through and he does one of these, like right, these are not the guys who are going to make good husbands. If, again, if that's what you're looking for and that's how I really adjusted and started to know myself, know what I was looking for at this stage in my life and be able to, you know, filter them out yeah, that's kind of what I wanted to touch upon, and I know a lot of dating coaches suggest that women like literally sit down with their like journal and write a list of their non-negotiables.

Speaker 2:

Like I could or I could deal with this right. What is just an absolute no is that?

Speaker 3:

something that you did I didn't like literally make a list. I think I had it in my head.

Speaker 2:

I am a list person.

Speaker 3:

I still actually am super old school and I have an agenda book. Like I don't keep my calendar in my phone. I love my little book. I love that and also that's for like and like.

Speaker 1:

I've never been on the apps but we always talk about this. Everybody should have those, whether you're on the apps or not. On the apps in order to avoid toxic relationships or wasting your time you have to adhere to those standards.

Speaker 2:

You know what I'm saying. You have to be true to yourself. You have to first start to know yourself.

Speaker 3:

And you have to be true to yourself. You have to first start to know yourself and you have to be ready for this journey. Like if you're just out of a relationship and you're not ready to do this because it really is a commitment, then don't or just be on to just casually look, of course, that's fine. But, like you have to know, like you said, who you are and what you're looking for. What is a non-negotiable? What for what is a non-negotiable? What can you compromise on? And what do you absolutely need?

Speaker 2:

And as you get older, you realize that list changes drastically.

Speaker 3:

It can change as you go.

Speaker 1:

Yes, because you have different needs, you're a different person at 40 than you are at 30.

Speaker 3:

And you have to know what those things are. And you become I would say your list of your non-negotiables actually gets smaller because you realize that you're a good person. Now you don't need somebody the way you might have needed them when you were 25. You contribute so much to the relationship, so your non-negotiables become smaller. What you're willing to compromise on becomes smaller, but what you absolutely need should not change. If you need somebody who is going to be 100% trustworthy and loyal, you cannot say, oh gosh, that was a weird thing he's keeping his phone away.

Speaker 2:

Oh, I'm not going to think about it.

Speaker 3:

No, no, that's a flag.

Speaker 2:

Think about it, because that's not going to end well. So you're just like in observation mode. You're not necessarily, which everybody should be right.

Speaker 1:

Whether you meet on an app or not. But like for me, if I were to say, okay, I'm gonna go on the apps.

Speaker 2:

Like for somebody and I'm gonna get you on those one day, I promise you. Oh my god, there's no way.

Speaker 1:

But if you, if you, if I met you, and you're like oh my god, I've been on these apps for 22 years, what advice would you give me?

Speaker 1:

yeah, yeah, so at some point you have to do some self-reflection, right, right so, but for once you're, once you're, we're totally like, for instance, for all the women out there like a like a me or you, that we have our boundaries, we have our shit together.

Speaker 1:

I have my job, I have my house, I don't have to depend on a man. I know what I will and will and my filters and everything Like, once you go on that app, what advice can you give women that can navigate them so like, so much quicker, like for all the authentic ladies out there I have a guy sends you a drink from across the bar how to act, what to look for what you know, blah, blah, blah, blah. To navigate yourself through dating. Yeah, what can you give them to navigate themselves through this dating app? For people that are just getting on it, people that are having trouble with it, women that just repetitively are kind of just falling down with it and just aren't getting it, or they end up being pen pals, or they end up getting one night stands, or they end up just getting, even though they have their filters.

Speaker 2:

One thing, just before Courtney goes into her answer, I just have to say like I feel there are a lot of women who present as they have it all together. They think that they know what they're getting into and they're doing things the right way, but when they see a shiny object that is six foot four, and he has the most gorgeous blue eyes, but that's on them yes.

Speaker 2:

But I'm just saying this is a real, real thing where all that stuff goes out the window and those are we dating the same guy pages. When you look at those problems that women have, the the volume of problems is because oh, but he was my type, he looks just the way I want a guy to. All of a sudden, all those boundaries, all of those hard line things go out the window and in the moment it is very difficult sometimes to adhere to those things. You have a big shiny object and you're like, oh my God, and just the hormones are flowing and you see, ladies, you need to get your shit together.

Speaker 2:

A lot of women do not have that. They think they do, but they really don't.

Speaker 1:

I'm letting you know with the scenario that Allison's giving. You've got to get your shit together Because let me tell you something, there could be the shiniest $10 million object right over there. He could be tall, dark, handsome and the CEO of Sephora, my favorite company, and if he's got young kids and had only been divorced six months, I'm going to tell them to go take a shiny ass over there. Ladies, you need to get your shit together. That's a boundaries episode, but we can't get your shit together for you. You got to get your shit together. But once you get your shit together and then you're like I'm ready, which only you know when you're ready, even if you're divorced or just broke up with somebody, you have to be ready, and especially when you're older, if you're younger ladies, and you're in your 20s or you're 19 or you know late 20s, before 30, go do your thing.

Speaker 3:

You don't need your shit together so much, but you're in your 30s and 40s.

Speaker 1:

like us, you better have your shit together and not have some shiny Bulgari necklace weaning you in when you have $5 in your bank account.

Speaker 2:

So we're assuming that you are, you know Absolutely, you have yourself together. Yes and so Courtney.

Speaker 1:

You don't have your shit together by 40. We're all in trouble. Ladies, Get your shit together.

Speaker 2:

So what are? Some kind of.

Speaker 1:

Navigate us.

Speaker 3:

Do you have some kind?

Speaker 2:

of process or there are certain things you are doing, that like kind of, if you're sitting there on tinder, how would you go about things in a way that would avoid the red flags yeah most benefit, you sure? Yeah, yeah. So first of all, don't be on tinder.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, that's aup app, which is, if that's what you're looking for, fabulous. Okay, but what are the best ones? If you're looking for a relationship, yeah, I still think some of the most popular and broadest ones are Bumble, hinge and even Match to a degree. But here's one of the tips I had failed to mention earlier that I think is really important. Yeah, here's one of the tips I had failed to mention earlier that I think is really important.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, these apps give you an option for free and they give you like a service that you could pay for. Okay, initially I was like there is no way I'm paying $50 a month. I can't even believe I'm on these apps. I can't believe I have to do this. I barely want to do it as it is, this sucks. I'm not giving them any money. I as it is, this sucks, I'm not giving them any money. I can tell you the three times I was like fuck it.

Speaker 2:

I'm giving them money is the three times I met my last three boyfriends, including my current. So pay. People have a little bit more skin in the game.

Speaker 3:

Not only do they have more skin in the game, but the apps allow the user who pays more options, so you can filter with more advanced filters.

Speaker 2:

Which makes sense.

Speaker 3:

You have longer times to yes, to connect with your your, your, your your matches.

Speaker 1:

Thank you.

Speaker 3:

You see people who you might not have other seen. So, depending on the app, read what the perks so it opens it up when you pay.

Speaker 1:

Yes, there's a paywall there.

Speaker 3:

There is a paywall and it says what those perks are that you get when you pay, and you get more options, you get to see more people and whatever the app is, it's actually better, and one of the guys I met was on Match, one was on Hinge and one was on Bumble and I paid for all of them and they were great guys.

Speaker 2:

Again, it In the scheme of things, it kind of burns you to quick.

Speaker 1:

It does.

Speaker 2:

But I could concur with you that my experiences on the apps have been more successful. If I just forked out the monthly, just do it for a month. Well, I was just going to say do it for a month.

Speaker 3:

What I always did was I would sign up, I'd give them my credit card through my phone, pay, I'd get the confirmation, and then I went right into the app and I canceled the renewal, yes. And then I took a screenshot and I said, okay, this is not automatically renewing next month. Then if I decided I wanted to do it again, I would just do it again manually. It so happens and I'm not just saying this that I never had to renew. It was one month and I met the last guy. Then I met the guys. So never had to renew. It was one month and I met the last guy. Then I met the guys. So it does open up more. So I would say first, if you're really committed, do pay. I know it's like annoying, but it's another thing to pay for, but it's an investment in your future, like any other investment that you might make, so do pay.

Speaker 1:

So after they pay and then they get online and they match with a few men, you have that great intentional conversation. You did your filters, you have your shit together. You find three or four guys. They answer your texts back because we discussed about that. They've gone back and forth with you Within the week. They've asked, you've exchanged phone numbers, you've talked to them on your phone. You've planned to meet for a date.

Speaker 2:

So just to pause right there. So did you have any issues? I feel like a lot of women just have a problem right there, like where you match with people and it's crickets, yep, and they can't even get to the next stage.

Speaker 1:

That is a thing, right. But she said, get rid of those guys yeah.

Speaker 3:

It stage. That is a thing, right. But she said get rid of those guys. Yeah it happens, you're gonna have more bad experiences than you are good you have to know that going in and you have to set that expectation because you're meeting a bazillion people and they all don't have the intentions that you have.

Speaker 1:

They all have different intentions, exactly. Liars, catfishers, all the stuff, a lot of people get so frustrated and they take it personally.

Speaker 2:

And then they, they, just they're like they turn in the towel.

Speaker 3:

Don't take it personally because they don't even know you to take it personally, but know that this is a job, it's a numbers game. That's something my family always told me. It only takes one allison you had said that to me before we started. It's a numbers game. The more people you meet, the more horrendous people you toss to the side you're going to finally find the one.

Speaker 1:

It sounds like you have to have your shit together and be filter ready.

Speaker 3:

You have to be filter ready, but you have to know that you're going to get a lot of people who have to be grounded and strong and confident in yourself.

Speaker 2:

You absolutely do. That's what I know, who you are know what you're looking for.

Speaker 3:

You're gonna have people who don't respond great, you're gonna have guys, you know, or, or girls, it's not, you know, but who want to make a date, and they'll say great, you know, let's go out thursday at six o'clock, I'll meet you here, here. You'll never hear from them. And then you don't hear from them. So then you're like, let me just make sure we're still on. And you go to confirm like, hey, joe, are we still on for tonight and crickets. So you're like get rid of that one Are you kidding with this person?

Speaker 3:

And yes, of course, get rid of them, but some women don't.

Speaker 1:

Well, I don't Bizarro, the guy just stood you up. Oh, my dog died. I'm so sorry, you know all the things Once in a while. There could be a legit excuse.

Speaker 3:

I'd still get rid of him Once in a while I've had a bad day at work. And I'm like I really I can't go tonight, like I'm not going to be a good date and I would, but then I would text the guy and I would say I'm so sorry. Today's been a really bad day. What works for you? And then I would make good on it. But if I just canceled and I have done this and I'm like you know what I?

Speaker 1:

know, this guy isn't for me.

Speaker 3:

I'm just saying you know what. I'm really sorry, I don't think this is going to work. I'm going to go ahead and cancel, but I wouldn't do it six seconds before the date and I wouldn't stand him up. But you are going to get that. So know your expectations. I think if people can set expectations realistic expectations for themselves, set them low, yeah, don't have expectations necessarily. Even You're going to feel less disappointed and less frustrated, because 99% of the time you are not going to find the guy, it's going to be the one time that you connect, and what's so important is timing. You know, I met my boyfriend very soon after I broke up with my last. He had just stopped seeing someone. If we both weren't in that exact time, it's like fate that we wouldn't have met. Also, though, once you've done what you say and you've gone through all the people who didn't write back and you finally agree to meet in person, don't make it an interview.

Speaker 2:

I am so glad you brought this up, because this and we as women, because our clocks are ticking and our time is so much more precious inherently than a man's time we tend to make the date an interview process. And it's very stale and it's not conversational. You're not having fun. You're there with an agenda.

Speaker 1:

You might as well have a and I could see that too, because like and here's another like, this is why this isn't for me, all this stuff that we're talking about. When I go out and I meet somebody at the restaurant, yeah, all this stuff is done before I even leave the restaurant. You know what I'm saying. You buy me the drink. I think you're cute from across the bar, you walk around, I know you're you, so we skip that. And then I'm like hey, what's your name? Oh, melissa Bubba, what do you do? What's your store?

Speaker 3:

All this, it's so hard, but that initial conversation that you're having at the bar is still conversational, Not the. That would be the same exact conversation that you should be having if you meet a guy.

Speaker 1:

So what do you mean in an interview? Because what happens is you're not organically meeting him out.

Speaker 3:

In your situation. You are. So, it just becomes a very hey, cool, like where you from, what do you do? Kids, blah, blah. In our situation we're meeting the guy for the first time in person and because people feel like, okay, I'm here for this one drink, I don't know if I'm gonna like him. We have this hour. Let's just say I'm just gonna be like hey, what do you do? Where you're from, do you have children, do you?

Speaker 2:

have siblings where?

Speaker 1:

Do you have siblings? Do you want kids for you? Where'd you go to school? Where'd you go to camp? Oh, I see what you're saying. It's all at once and not that organic flow, and it's just not fun.

Speaker 3:

And so don't, even though it feels like a job and I would say, yes, you have to be as committed to this as a job don't make it work. Make it fun for you, be excited to get dressed, do your hair, put your makeup on, feel pretty. That alone sometimes raises your spirits when you're feeling crappy about situations. Go out, enjoy a nice cocktail, glass of wine, coffee, a walk whatever it is you're doing and make it fun. I almost never asked those questions to guys when I was on dates. I wanted to make it an actual conversation. So I would say, hey, how was your day? Oh, it was all right. Oh, you know my boss. Oh, yeah, what happened? Or, oh, you know, tell me more about that. And then the conversation is just fun.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, and you'll get answers to those questions. They will just find their way weave their ways into the conversation instead of going through a checklist and it feels like a checklist.

Speaker 3:

And think about it the other way. If you put yourself in a guy's shoes or you're the one where a guy is going through his checklist and you're not, that's not gonna be fun, you're also gonna be like oh, this guy's just looking for certain things Like I don't like just because I went to like this school or whatever doesn't mean like it's just, it's not natural.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, don't make it work. Don't make it an interview, and even when you have those types of conversations, you're gonna pretty soon be able to decide you know what. This was nice. I'd like to see this guy again and learn more about him, or? Fine, thank you for the drink. This isn isn't going to work out.

Speaker 1:

You're a weirdo. This isn't going to work. I feel like women that happens and wait what happens. Also, we should tell ladies because this for me, because I'm thinking of all the questions I have here what happens if you go. You sit there and you haven't FaceTimed right.

Speaker 3:

I never FaceTimed and you realize either.

Speaker 1:

A this man is not the picture.

Speaker 2:

He said he was and that has happened to me plenty of times or B he's 10 years older, Sure that has happened or?

Speaker 1:

I don't know, 100 pounds thinner or 100 pounds heavier that has happened.

Speaker 3:

Not your type. Now wait a minute.

Speaker 1:

Or you think he's a little crazy and you're scared, yeah.

Speaker 3:

What do you do, all right? So, first and foremost, you always meet at a public place Of course.

Speaker 2:

But it still could be uncomfortable. Ps, by the way.

Speaker 1:

Somebody's calling me. I gotta go Tell us what you do.

Speaker 3:

I'm a very honest person, I'm also very direct, so everybody, all my friends, my family, my team at work, everybody knows me. You're gonna get it Good, bad or ugly. You're going to hear it as it is. But some women are shy and uncomfortable and that's okay. You should do what's comfortable. But I think in the end people do appreciate the truth. So on the being afraid of somebody, let's put that up to the side for just a second. If you just feel like this guy's not going to be for me, no problem. When you have a conversation, by the time you're done and decide he's not for you, you finish the drink. If he likes you, he's gonna say would you like another drink? And if you don't like him, simply say no, thank you, it was really nice meeting you and be done. And if he says to you, can I see you again? You know when, would you like to go out again, or something like that, and you're not interested, say I've really enjoyed meeting you. I don't think this is going to be long-term for me.

Speaker 3:

I don't see us really connecting but thank you again for the drink.

Speaker 1:

You do that, even if the guy's 10 years older or looks like the picture. Well, here's the thing.

Speaker 3:

You can't be superficial, you see that but they lie.

Speaker 1:

Okay, but of course, why can't I be?

Speaker 3:

Well, let's just well, because you still don't know what their insecurities are or what they're trying to portray. And they could be a nice person Now if they come and they're 90 and they have a picture of themselves when they're 25, fine If they put a picture of themselves when they had hair and now they're starting to lose it.

Speaker 1:

Well, that's what I'm talking about, but that doesn't happen.

Speaker 3:

It happens all the time. But that's not what we're saying. What we're saying is, yes, they could be a slight variation of their photos. It's never been a drastic like who is this kind of a thing? But there could be variations. Okay, fine, a small variation, fine, right. And so when you meet them, you might be like, oh, that stinks, this guy's not what he looked like in the photos. But I'm here now, I'm not going to turn around and leave.

Speaker 3:

You make the best of it, and you might realize that you actually still connect with the person, because the reasons you connected with him initially from what he wrote on his profile, from the conversations you had before you met are the same reasons. You may connect in person or may not. Now again, if he's drastically different in some way, to the point where you're like this guy's clearly a liar.

Speaker 1:

Like it's just right. Well, that's what I was getting to.

Speaker 3:

If you feel like I've been lied, you can say listen, you know what, this is not who you portrayed like this. This picture person is just not you and I don't feel comfortable.

Speaker 2:

Great, then you could, then you absolutely should necessarily have to say that you just could just you, you know wrap up that date, and then when? He contacts you just say, like you said before, thank you for your time. I enjoyed whatever. I just don't think this is a match. That's it. Wrap it up.

Speaker 1:

So always go for a quick coffee, a quick drink, never really a lunch, breakfast or dinner. It'll go well, It'll be quite a meal.

Speaker 3:

Meals take too long take too long.

Speaker 1:

So people will always say like oh, let's have dinner. And I'm like oh well, I don't even know you like, right, I don't have dinner with you. So that's another good tip go for a quick drink and sometimes the drink turns into dinner so that's actually what happened with my current boyfriend.

Speaker 3:

We met for a drink after work. We're having a great time and he's like are you hungry?

Speaker 3:

I'm like, yeah, yeah, let's eat so we started ordering and we wound up having this like don't know three hour date because we were enjoying. And that's when you know, of course things are good and you don't know everything about the person, but that's sometimes. It will naturally turn into that which is really great. But when you're in a situation where you feel scared I had a date once with a guy I met, it was the and actually, you know, on the different apps, they prompt you to answer certain questions as part of your profile.

Speaker 3:

This was one of my prompts and I put it in because it was bananas. We were sitting there. First of all, the guy showed up. He looked like Paul Bunyan. I don't know what his ensemble was, but it was bizarre. Did he have an ax Close? We were sitting at this bar having a drink and at one point in the conversation he turned to me and he very seriously said have?

Speaker 1:

you ever killed anyone? Oh god, there you go. See, this is what I'm talking about but have you killed anyone, courtney?

Speaker 3:

tbd. Um, I have a list, no, but I think that's a bizarro right this is what I'm talking about.

Speaker 1:

that's a bizarro question, right, this is what I'm talking about.

Speaker 3:

That's a question that did make me feel uncomfortable, because it's not like, oh my gosh, like are both of your parents still alive, or did you ever have a pet who died? Like that would be normal-ish, I guess, but have you ever killed anyone? Like what?

Speaker 1:

What kind of question is that?

Speaker 3:

So that was like so weird and so I. We finished our drink and I was like no hopefully wasn't drugged at that point Right, but again this is why you're out in public and we finished the drink and I got into a cab and I went home and I never, obviously, I blocked him from my apps and I never spoke with him again. So that's why, again, it's always important to meet in a public place.

Speaker 1:

Don't have a person pick you up or take you home.

Speaker 3:

Take an Uber, take a cab wherever you are. Don't bring your friends along. Girls I hear this all the time too Like, oh, I'm nervous, I'm going to bring my friends. No, if a guy brought his friends to the date no babies, it's just a bad look. No, don't have them waiting at another table. You are a grown woman. But just be safe so that if you do find yourself in a situation that is beyond uncomfortable like that, you can comfortably get out of it. Let your friends, let someone know. Let a friend know that you're out. Yeah, my parents always knew where I was my sister, you know, everybody knew right.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, yeah, okay, good, good, good good and what else what? Any other types of tips for these dating apps?

Speaker 3:

yeah, I would say, like, just you know, don't give up. I've wanted to give up many times on the process. It's taken me this long to find my person and I would say that if you are feeling hopeless, you feel frustrated with the process, you're like forget it, I'm going to just quit my job, move to an island and like open a tiki hut, which I have considered, so you did get to that point yeah it does because these apps are draining.

Speaker 3:

There are a lot of work, there are money and you're meeting more bad. You're having more bad dates or bad experiences than you are good ones, and you get to the point where you're just feeling like I can't do this anymore. What were some things that kept you going, knowing that it's what I wanted? I know how hard it is to date in my city of Manhattan and, despite my best efforts of working in a career where I'm meeting a lot, of Tons of people Very smart very wealthy, very attractive men.

Speaker 3:

They weren't the men I was looking for. Living in a city, like you said, where there's a ton of guys wealthy, wealthy, attractive, smart guys hard to find the right one and despite my efforts to go out, join clubs, be in the right job industry, all the different things I still wasn't meeting organically the guys, anybody who worked right, and so the apps became another avenue to try to find a person.

Speaker 2:

It's just a tool.

Speaker 3:

It's a tool, and you might go on them and all of a sudden be in a fender bender and the guy who bumped into you might be the guy you end up with. Things can happen, but don't give up because, as frustrated as you feel, as hopeless as you may feel, it only takes that one and if you give up, you are destined to not meet the person like no one's coming and knocking at your door and being like hi, I'm here there's no prince charming do you?

Speaker 1:

think the apps are also doable, so to say, for the divorced mothers out there for everyone, because their time. They have to get a sitter. They have to.

Speaker 3:

You have to be committed, and that's where the commitment comes from. Yes, I'm not saying to or be able to afford it or be able to afford it, but yes, I mean you, if, if this is a tool that can work for you in your life, your financial status.

Speaker 1:

How much are they monthly?

Speaker 3:

It depends, some are 50, some are 30.

Speaker 1:

Okay, around the $50 mark.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, but you of course. It's just a tool. It's not that you have to use an app to meet somebody. You don't have to do anything. You can meet somebody at the grocery store, like anything it just increases your chances. It just increases your chances, and so if you are committed to the process and you have young kids, yes, you'll have to find a parent who can watch them, or a friend or a sitter.

Speaker 1:

Because there's a lot of going out for that initial drink. It seems to me, listening, that is really the main part of it. To get through it is, it is.

Speaker 3:

But that also could be an hour, so maybe you pay the sitter for an hour or an hour and a half if you're taking in travel time. Whatever it is, it doesn't necessarily need to be seven hours, so it could be quick, but it could be frequent, exactly.

Speaker 1:

But just so the moms kind of understand the process and what it has to be, because, like me, mondays we have skateboarding, tuesday nights we have ninja.

Speaker 3:

So then Mondays and Tuesdays are going to be out, so maybe you have a day of the week.

Speaker 1:

Let's just say Fridays or whatever that works.

Speaker 3:

So now you make your dates on Friday afternoons or Friday evenings no different than if you met a guy at the supermarket and it's a Monday and he's like would you like to go out? And you're like you know what? This week is busy for me. How does Friday? So whatever day works for you, make it that day and if you're committed to the process, just keep getting out there because you are 100% guaranteed to not meet anybody sitting at home doing nothing. But if you're doing something, if you're proactive on the apps and you're committed to it because this is what you want, you have to just do it, you have to be on it and you have to not give up, because if you give up, you're not, you're lowering your chances.

Speaker 1:

Back at the same spot you were before.

Speaker 3:

Right and it's not to say again. I don't want the listeners to get the feeling that they have to be on the apps to meet somebody. This is an app, sort of centric podcast today, so that's why we're focusing on it.

Speaker 3:

But you know, for those of you who know from me right, don't feel like that's like what you have to be doing to meet a guy, but just know that if that's the avenue you're pursuing, don't give up and and just know that at some point you will connect. It's, it's. It takes one and I'm living proof of it and I've dated wonderful men. None of them have been toxic.

Speaker 1:

I've had great experiences great relationships, but they weren't for me. But you filtered well and you filtered them out.

Speaker 3:

Well, because I've always been pretty true to myself and I know what I'm looking for, and when there was a situation or something that would occur that I knew wasn't for me, I'm done. I can't waste time.

Speaker 1:

I think a lot of women make excuses. I think this is an easy way to make an excuse, sort of like oh he was really busy. That's why it took him two, three weeks. Or oh, you know what? He stayed late at work.

Speaker 3:

You're absolutely right, it takes two seconds to make a call. Or somebody breaks a date and then they don't reschedule. Or you ask to FaceTime and they don't. Or you ask for recent pictures and they don't send them, or you don't see them on social media and you don't know who they are.

Speaker 2:

There's no reason to keep these people around Exactly Well, that's what I'm trying to say.

Speaker 1:

You have to be committed to that filtering process also. And if you're not good at that, ladies?

Speaker 2:

this may not be the avenue for you, perhaps exactly, but those same skills that you have with dating IRL, in real life.

Speaker 1:

They translate to this yeah, but I feel like if I was on that app, I'd meet a ton more and have to filter a ton more than me going out naturally. When I go out, naturally, it's one, two here and there. It's not as difficult as it sounds.

Speaker 3:

And I know, because you're not on them, you're not exactly like.

Speaker 1:

Sure of what we're talking about, but it's you're going to like.

Speaker 3:

So I think you swipe left for no and right for yes, like every single time, it's a left.

Speaker 2:

It's a left most of the time. I don't get a Tinder swindler. Did you see that it was?

Speaker 1:

crazy. Oh my God, it was great. Watch out for those too, the private jet ones.

Speaker 2:

My enemies are after me.

Speaker 1:

And also, like that's a perfect example too, the Tinder swindler, if something seems so freaking, outrageous, if it walks like a duck, you know, and talks like a duck it is a duck it is, and trust your gut, you know.

Speaker 3:

Yes to your point, melissa. So many women want to make an excuse because they feel desperate because, they feel helpless. The pickings are slim out there the pickings are slim and so you make excuses. Oh well, he was busy. Oh well, enough with the excuses In your gut. If you feel that something is off, it is, and the more time you waste trying to make excuses to make it work with this guy because he's 6'4 and shiny or whatever.

Speaker 1:

The Cartier bracelet.

Speaker 3:

Is less time that you're going to have spending finding the right person. So, instead of taking your time and investing your energies in the wrong guy, invest them in the time finding the right guy.

Speaker 1:

And I think it's really important, which we've discussed before. Even if it's just one of your boundaries, it doesn't have to make sense to you or to you Stick with it. You know what I mean. Ceo of sephora, but he's got three young kids under the age of 10 and he, you know, is just as six months into his divorce. Those are like two boundaries for me that I, you gotta leave the sephora ce shiny thing over there and you gotta keep moving over here like don't change, your, don't get so frustrated and so down that you're like, oh my god, I, I've been on this app for six months that you bend your boundaries and accept things that you Exactly.

Speaker 1:

But here's this shiny thing this is the first guy that even looked.

Speaker 3:

Great, let me just Well remember that. Yes, looks are awesome. You always want to find somebody you're attracted to, but it's not everything. At the end of the day, looks fade. Our looks are going to fade, His looks, we're all going to get old and wrinkly and everything else, but what's left is the person's character. What's left is is he going to look at you and nobody else, even when you are 100 and your boobs are down to your ankles and he's still going to think you look beautiful?

Speaker 3:

Is he going to be that partner that when you have to take care of a sick parent, he's besides you doing so?

Speaker 3:

Or is he out with the guys having a drink? Whatever is important to you and I'm not saying that what is important to me is important to everybody on this show, but whatever is important to you are the things to your point that you can't make excuses for and you can't brush under the rug if you feel like they're not there, because ultimately it will lead to the demise of the relationship and ultimately you're going to find yourself back at square one, which is why, although I've had wonderful men in my life, they were not for me because they didn't meet my non-negotiables and I knew that if I had married them and we went ring shopping together and we did all the things, but I knew if I had pulled that trigger, I would be divorced and for me, like I said earlier, finding that right person was more important than anything else. I don't want to go through a divorce. I've seen it with friends and family members and it's not good.

Speaker 1:

And when you were dating somebody. Let's say how long did it take you to see that your non-negotiables came?

Speaker 3:

up. It depended, it depended.

Speaker 1:

And what?

Speaker 3:

did you do about it? Well, I broke up with them, but it was sometimes. It was immediate. If there was, like, let's say, a two month relationship, and you see it pretty soon and for the more long-term relationships, it wasn't that, you know, anything specific necessarily might've happened. It was just that you can see, you're different. Your values are not aligned. The things that you want in your future they may not want, but it takes time to uncover that. But as soon as you start realizing those things, that's when you have to start considering walking away, because those aren't going to change, especially as we get older. We all are who we are. We're not changing. Our values aren't changing. What we want out of life isn't changing. We're not 20 anymore.

Speaker 1:

This is so important. It is, this is so important. And so many women waste so much time because they're like, oh my God, I'm in it for a year and a half. Well it's not. I want kids a half. Well, it's not. I want kids and I thought I could change him.

Speaker 3:

It's not so bad that he doesn't want kids and then they get married and then they resent.

Speaker 1:

and what wasn't so bad on day one, 10 years later?

Speaker 3:

It's bad, and what I can tell you from from one of my experiences is my, um, like two boyfriends ago, I met when I was 36 and we broke up when I was 39. Now that was a very crucial decision I had made, because the reasons you just said, Melissa, it was a big birthday coming up. I was 39. I was like am I serious?

Speaker 1:

I'm going to have to get back out there again. I have to start. Oh, we were living together.

Speaker 3:

We were ingrained in each other's families.

Speaker 1:

But I realized that. I realized I say don't move in with anybody too quick don't well.

Speaker 3:

We didn't move in too quick, but sometimes you don't get to know somebody that well until you live with them. So you know it's kind of like a catch 22. Trust me, I've moved. I live in the city more times moving is such a pain. I'm going to be doing it again in a couple of months, but that is small potatoes moving, compared to Marry him, of course.

Speaker 3:

And so I would say that when I finally made the decision after I think it was about two years in that, I realized this was probably not a relationship that was going to work for me. But we were working on it. We were really trying to see if we could come to more of an alignment and we couldn't. And so I said to myself I've been in it for three years, I could just marry him and I could just have my life, and I'm probably not going to be as happy as I could. But what am I going to do? I'm going to go out there again. What happens if I don't find something better.

Speaker 1:

What happens if I find something worse?

Speaker 2:

I know it's such a limiting belief that women have.

Speaker 3:

Yes, it is, and I can tell you, men don't have that belief. Yeah, oh, they don't.

Speaker 2:

Absolutely not. So why do we Like it's masochistic? And why?

Speaker 3:

Because we have more of a clock biologically, especially for those women who want children and so forth. But what I realized after a lot of time I don't make quick decisions, I spend a lot of time.

Speaker 1:

any decision in my life really thinking about before I pull the trigger.

Speaker 3:

I mean even buying a couch. I take a lot of time, and once I make the decision, though, I'm very, very confident in the decision I had made, because I spent a lot of time thinking it through, and what I realized is that, even though I was 39, which, of course, in the scheme of things, if we have listeners who are in their 60s or 70s they're like I wish I was 30 right.

Speaker 3:

I get it, it's all relative. But when you are 39, almost going to be 40, and you're thinking, oh my god, I have to start over. That's really scary yeah, but what I realized because I'm true to myself is that had I stayed in that relationship and married him, I would be very unhappy and that would be for a lifetime, and that's the worst.

Speaker 3:

Versus breaking up, going through the emotions of just grieving a relationship, temporary discomfort, correct, the annoyance of moving, the cost of moving, figuring out where to live and so forth, versus being with somebody unhappily for a lifetime, was so much better. And I moved out. I packed up my things. I moved. I found an apartment. I had nothing. Everything was his. I was sleeping on a twin-sized air mattress with sheets from college and I had that first night never slept better than I had in that past year, because I knew I had made the right decision, even though I was still upset. I mean, it took me time to get over.

Speaker 3:

the relationship slept better than I had in that past year because I knew I had made the right decision, even though I was still upset. I mean, it took me time to get over the relationship. It wasn't like, oh, I left and I don't like him anymore. Of course, I still loved him. I was sad for him, I was sad for me, but I knew that I would have a much better life 60 years ahead of me, you know, god willing than the lifetime of being with him. That I knew wouldn't work for me. And so getting out there again when I was ready to get on the apps to go out with my girlfriends and meet people, and it took me think. Therefore, I think it took me like a year to find the next guy dating all these littleasses in between, and I think what you said is really important.

Speaker 1:

I think, ladies, when I talked earlier about having your shit together, you can't be scared to be alone. Yeah, I think that is a criteria that every woman forget about. The men, okay, because they can't be alone, most of them not all, as I say, but most. I think a number one criteria to make you applicable of to date should be you have to be okay right, yeah, because if you're if, if you weren't okay to be alone and say you know what it hurts.

Speaker 1:

It's a pain I can't. I'm scared to start all over, but when you slept there that night you're like I'm good.

Speaker 2:

We're strong and resilient as women.

Speaker 1:

Or like you said, when I was ready, I broke up with him, I grieved, I got my shit together again and then I went back out and it took me a year. That is so important, ladies. Like I always say this when people are like you have too many boundaries, you have too many this, you have to I will die alone and I am okay with that thought and it very well may. And people are like, oh, that's not going to happen, but if it does happen, I'm a okay.

Speaker 3:

I think too, there you know, listen, and we can't be ignorant to the fact that a lot of women are afraid to leave or hesitant to leave from for financial reasons. Certainly those who have had children and maybe excuse me have been out of the workforce for a while and you don't have your own income. That's a very real thing. That's like the fear. You know what I mean.

Speaker 1:

But I think in order to, it is scary because I did it.

Speaker 3:

It is so scary.

Speaker 1:

I don't think there's one woman that leaves with kids unless she's a CEO of the company and making well over six figures. That isn't scared when they leave. We all are. But as long as you're okay with those kids alone, you know you'll make it through.

Speaker 3:

I think you have to remember that if, especially if you have children, your mental health and your happiness is very important, because your children are going to see that, and if they see you upset by your husband, their dad, if they see that there's problems or there's constant fighting and yelling, that's not a good example. It's going to hurt the children. But I understand that there are women who do have some financial reservations and that makes a lot of sense.

Speaker 1:

It makes it much harder to leave, even if they want to. Where are you?

Speaker 3:

going to go? How are you going to afford your own apartment, your own car, your whatever? I?

Speaker 1:

get that, it is happy. That's a whole other thing. But everything's easier when you don't, when you don't have kids the truth is the truth, even if you get divorced without kids.

Speaker 3:

It's much, it's much easier than when you have to think about these.

Speaker 3:

You know that's always the case but you then just know that you have to set yourself up, yeah, you have to be ready, you have to, you know, decide what's good for you and do it in your time and then, once you are all of those things and you feel comfortable to leave, that's when you listen to this episode of the podcast. So I just don't want people to think like, oh well, that's great, you are on your own, you don't have children, it's very easy. Yes, I didn't have that aspect, but I had other things that I had to deal with. And then it was when I was ready that I would go back out there and date, date, date, date, date, date, date, date, date, date, date, date, date. Find somebody doesn't work, date, date, date, date, date, date, date, date, date. And then you know, now it's just the one, and I'm very, I'm very happy.

Speaker 1:

Well, we're happy for you, Congratulations. Thank you, you found the light at the end of the tunnel.

Speaker 2:

Yes, you definitely infused me with some and kind of commiserate, so I'm so happy for you. Thanks, allison, and you're welcome.

Speaker 1:

Courtney, thank you so much for coming on the show. Thanks, melissa, it's been a pleasure and we hope that we have given you some good tips for the online apps and dating We've navigated a little bit through that the dating apps, the websites, the websites, the things that are in touch with the 10-year poll. But yeah, I'm hoping that we don't. You know, we don't see so many questions about those dating apps that we covered today, so hopefully that'll be good for our viewers Give you a little push.

Speaker 1:

Let you jump over those red flags to make the dating processes a little bit easier.

Speaker 3:

Yeah, just don't give up. I know you want to. Just don't. Yeah, just don't do it. And if you have, follow-up questions.

Speaker 2:

Please reach out to us. You could look on the show notes to where to find us.

Speaker 1:

Email text. I think you can do both.

Speaker 2:

Yes, and we look forward to it. Thank you for supporting us.

Speaker 1:

Thank you and we hope to see you soon. Dating Daycare Follow us.

Speaker 2:

Email us Subscribe.

Speaker 1:

We'll see you next time. Thank you, bye dating daycare. Follow us, subscribe. Thank you.

People on this episode

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Allison Waterman

Co-host
Head Shot

Melissa Firpo

Co-host