Dating Daycare
Welcome to "Dating Daycare," the ultimate safe space for women navigating the unpredictable world of modern dating. Join hosts Melissa Firpo and Allison Waterman as they dish out candid advice, share hilarious anecdotes, and tackle the toughest dating dilemmas faced by women today.
In a dating landscape filled with frogs disguised as princes and a jungle of jerks, Melissa and Allison offer a nurturing haven where women can laugh, learn, and empower each other to find love on their own terms. From ghosting to breadcrumbing, from disastrous first dates to navigating online profiles, "Dating Daycare" covers it all with wit, wisdom, and plenty of wine.
With Melissa's no-nonsense approach and Allison's comedic charm, each episode feels like a heart-to-heart chat with your best girlfriends over brunch. Whether you're swiping left or swiping right, "Dating Daycare" is your go-to guide for surviving and thriving in the wild world of modern romance.
So grab your favorite beverage, kick back, and join Melissa and Allison as they navigate the highs, lows, and hilarities of dating life. Because when it comes to matters of the heart, everyone could use a little TLC from "Dating Daycare.
Dating Daycare
TRAUMA BONDING w/ expert Saadia Younis "unlock the secrets to healthier, happier relationships
Ever been caught in a web of emotions that feels impossible to escape? Licensed marriage and family therapist Sadia Younis joins us to unravel the intricacies of trauma bonds, those difficult ties that bind individuals to their abusers. We explore the psychological loops of abuse, apologies, and love bombing, all while examining why some of us are magnetically drawn to emotionally unavailable partners. Sadia helps us identify the roots of these patterns, often buried in our past, and offers insights into recognizing and breaking free from these toxic cycles.
In a world filled with relationships haunted by unresolved issues, recognizing red flags is crucial. We tackle the complexities of engaging with partners who carry baggage from their past and the importance of asking the right, revealing questions. The conversation deepens as we emphasize the necessity of self-worth and intuition, encouraging listeners to embrace solitude over toxicity. When genuine affection is hard to distinguish from manipulative love-bombing, knowing your value becomes your strongest shield.
Healing from narcissistic relationships requires a strategic approach, and finding the right therapeutic support is vital. Saadia introduces us to EMDR therapy, a transformative method for trauma healing that processes memories in a unique way. Discover how to choose the right therapist, assess their qualifications, and navigate available resources to support your journey. With Sadia's guidance, this episode offers a powerful toolkit for those seeking liberation and healthier connections.
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Welcome to Dating Daycare, where we're going to help you navigate through the jungle of jerks. Ladies, welcome back. And gents, today, by popular demand, we have Sadia Younis back, our therapist of the show. I think she's becoming so we're so excited of the show. I think she's becoming so we're so excited. Today we have been asked by a lot of viewers to go over trauma bonds, so we thought this would be the perfect opportunity to do it with Sadia, because she is an expert in. Please introduce yourself again.
Speaker 3:Yes, hi, I'm Sadia Younis. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and an EMDR certified trauma specialist, and I'm excited to be here. That's exciting. Yes, very buzzy, allison, you missed our last show.
Speaker 2:I know I'm sorry, I saw it's your first time meeting Sadia. She's wonderful.
Speaker 1:Okay, ladies. So we are going to go over trauma bonds. Sadia is going to explain everything about them to us and then we will ask our questions. If you have any questions, please write them in, let us know and they will be answered. So explain to us trauma bonds. What are they? How do we get into it and become trauma bonded?
Speaker 3:Yeah, absolutely so. There's so many definitions out there and I like to talk about all the different kinds of trauma bonding. The way that the definition is is that it is being in that abusive relationship and being tied to your abuser, and that tie is what I'd love to talk about, because there's different ways that you're tied to that abuser. It could be that it seems familiar, it's something that you've experienced, maybe in childhood, growing up, something with a parent, and so it feels familiar and so, therefore, it's comfortable and you stay there, even though it's an abusive relationship and you really need to get out. Another way is it could be a previous relationship, right, and again that familiar, that comfortable, and so you're tied there, even though you know you're mistreated. There's abuse there emotional, psychological, physical, sexual, whatever the abuse is and you're tied. The other piece is the pattern that ties you and that the abuse, and it's not only abuse, but there's also the love bombing, and so it's a cycle. It's like the abuse and then the apologies, the groveling, the apologizing, which happens all the time.
Speaker 1:Yes, see that I see that all the time when women are writing on all these different websites that we kind of you know, try to help and answer and come along with, always, well, there's always an apology, always, and then it's almost like a cycle. And I also, like you said, also see, even in high school I had girlfriends that always went for the same type of guy, it didn't matter what guy they were dating but they always went for that same type of abusive personality type of guy times.
Speaker 3:it's your wounded inner self that's attracted to their wounded inner self, and so it's not even like your secure adult selves, right? We talked about secure attachment last time it's not even your secure adult self. That's uh connecting with that person.
Speaker 1:It's the wounded inner children or the wounded inner self and we discussed that that a lot of this stuff comes from childhood. We had discussed on our last show if you haven't seen it, watch it. It was excellent. But yes, so a lot of this stuff once again comes from childhood why you pick the people that you pick.
Speaker 3:Absolutely yeah, and we talked about like pursuer-distancer. So sometimes you're the pursuer. You wanna get closer, you want to, you know, connect with the person and they're pushing away or they're avoidant, and so a lot of times that's what you're attracted to.
Speaker 2:You're attracted to the unavailable, the chase, the dynamic.
Speaker 3:Yeah, the unavailable, even though it's not good for you.
Speaker 1:Right, Right, Absolutely, even though it's not good for you. Right, right, absolutely, yeah. And then with the trauma bond once you're in one. So once this happens and you realize that the person isn't good for you or there's a pattern of abuse sorry, I won't do it again and then they do it again. Or maybe all your family members and your friends are like what are you doing with this guy? He's horrible, Like he treats you this way, or he does that, or he doesn't help you with this. And then you realize it's bad, but you're like I can't leave. So what does it take for somebody that actually knows they're in a trauma bond to leave?
Speaker 3:Great question, right, it definitely takes a lot of help and a lot of support, therapy, friends and family around you, because that trauma bond can be so strong that you can't get out yourself. There's too many ties to the person and that's your again wounded inner self, your sense of self. Sometimes, right, if the person has really broken you down with the gaslighting or with all of those other things, they've broken you down, your sense of self Now you feel that you need that person to even survive or to even be okay, and so you really need people around you to get you out. So it's really hard, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Could we back up a little just to look at what it might look like to someone in the beginning stages of forming a relationship based upon a trauma bond? What might some warning signs be that this is happening to you?
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, absolutely. It's really. And that's why understanding yourself is so important, because it's really about recognizing when you're starting to question yourself, you're starting to doubt yourself, you're starting to question yourself, you're starting to doubt yourself, you're starting to question yourself. You're not even sure about your reality. That's really like a sign where, hey, I used to be really secure when I went out right with friends or girlfriends or if I had somewhere to be, and now I'm like, oh, maybe I shouldn't go, maybe they'll be upset, they're going to say something, we're going to get into an argument. So that beginning signs is questioning yourself, doubting yourself, not being as secure as you used to be.
Speaker 1:For sure relationships that create trauma bonds that most likely there was some traumatic or toxic behavior in the childhood. Do you know what I'm trying to say, to me at least? I've always seen, through girlfriends or whatever, that the person you're in the trauma bond with did not come from a healthy, wholesome background. They come from some sort of trauma, actually from past or from childhood. So I feel that is a huge we talked about that also in the last show that when you meet somebody and I always say this, ladies, and I tell my daughter this all the time when you meet somebody that comes from a broken family, alcoholic family, drug addict mother I mean I'm just naming some things out there some traumatic event of you you know parents weren't around as a child. The list could go on and on. Most likely they are not the pick of the litter to have the relationship with.
Speaker 2:Unless they've gone and done the work Extensive, absolutely, and I have to say you know what?
Speaker 1:I wish the world was better and I wish I could say this more, but I don't see that a lot. I would welcome that any day. But I always see, by the time people realize right, because the parents aren't there to say I need to put you in therapy, they're alcoholics or drug addicts or not home. So by the time these people realize, or someone tells them right, you need some help, I don't need help, I'm not getting. Or they go and it's too expensive now, or it's too much work and they never put the time in, and then the barrel just keeps rolling and then they find somebody as broken as them. Do you know what I mean for the relationship to work? Because, like you just said, if you find somebody secure, and they're not going to put up with what I'm not putting up with it.
Speaker 1:There's no way I can't even get that far with you. But if you find somebody a little bit broken and insecure and they have a little bit of an in and they get you and then you form that trauma bonds. You know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying? So most like it's two. If you want to say people that have had trauma correct in order, there's not. So don't let it right, don't let the other person tell you you're the crazy one, I'm normal. You know what I'm trying to say. Like it takes two to tango, correct, sure?
Speaker 3:yeah, and it's really about asking yourself what part of you is attracted to the person. Because if you're going for somebody who, yeah, who's had a traumatic childhood, is it the part of you that needs to fix right we talked about that last time too Like, do I need to fix? Do I need to help this person? Do I need to save this person? So what part of you is kind of being activated when you're being attracted to this person? Is I need to save this person? So what part of you is kind of being activated when you're being attracted to this person? Is it that healthy part of you? You know that, oh, we'll make a great, you know, relationship. We'll, you know, be good to each other. We'll grow together. Or is it? You know, this person needs work and I'm going to be the savior.
Speaker 2:I'm going to be the fixer, and that's how I get love in return.
Speaker 3:Yes, and that fulfills me. Right that does something for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but you never get the love with that. You know what I'm trying to say. Most like in the ends, ladies, the person that's broken is not capable of showing you the love that you think you're going to receive. They're broken. It never comes full fold. You fix. You hear all these women. I built them up. I helped him build his business.
Speaker 1:If it wasn't for me they wouldn't have this empire or this family or this whatever, and then he goes on and he cheats on me or he's divorcing me for his secretary. You're never going to get what you deem, you think you should. You know what I'm saying, what you think, the work you put in, oh, I deserve. Of course you deserve, you do, but you're not going to get it from someone that's broken.
Speaker 3:And is asking yourself are you looking for love or are you looking for a project?
Speaker 1:Right. Oh God, I'm exhausted. Because a lot of it. I'm exhausted. I'm not looking for any project. I can tell you that.
Speaker 3:We do enough.
Speaker 2:We have enough on our plate.
Speaker 3:Roberta the builder, you've got to be honest with yourself, because it's not always about the other person. It's about you too and what you're really looking for you have to take ownership.
Speaker 1:Yes, and also I think it's really important too, because I see this a lot. When we read um, a lot of women will say and I was guilty of this myself, so I can tell you it does happen, because it happened to me. He wasn't that way in the beginning because they changed their best selves.
Speaker 1:Yeah do you know what I'm saying. So, so what I've learned, ladies, right, I always try to bring a little real life right into this for me too, what I realize and tell me if this is right or wrong. You really have to look at the background of a person, where they came from, if they're divorced, a little bit of their history, if they have children, there are other signs that could lead you to say this isn't the best pick. And because people do try and hide things, but you can't hide unless you're going to lie, of course, your past. So if you meet a man he's like well, I'm adopted, you know, and I was adopted into an alcoholic family. I left at 18. I never spoke to them again and I'm divorced with two girls I don't speak to.
Speaker 1:These are all red flags that you know, even though they're presenting as great job, handsome well-dresser, treating you great. I mean, nothing seems awry here. Everything seems like oh, bad luck, you know what I'm saying. Oh, I can't blame you for, you know, being adopted into an alcoholic family. Saying I can't blame you for being adopted into an alcoholic family and I can't blame you, you had a horrible relationship. Lots of people get divorced right and they move on and they're not horrible people. But you know what I'm saying. If all you have to look by when you meet somebody is their past, I feel like you should take that into account.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and a question you can really ask is how did that impact you? How has that impacted you? What did you learn from it? Right, Right, Because there's so much that the answer right that you can get from what they're saying. How did that impact them? Did that lead them to be bitter? Did it lead them to, you know, be angry at the world? Or, you know, did they work on themselves like you were saying they worked on themselves. They went to therapy. You know, they got some EMDR.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:And they healed a lot of that childhood stuff.
Speaker 1:Right, but if you have to look at some red flags to not get into the, you know, the trauma bond or the toxic, like you were saying, what are some things that you can kind of address beforehand? I think that's a big one right? Address their family, how do they treat their mother? Right, all these things we talked about in the other. Because if they're lying and they're presenting well or not necessarily lying, but putting on their best self, a lot of women take that and roll with it and say, oh well, all that other stuff was just bad luck. You lost your job, you haven't worked in a year, like we can make excuses for anything.
Speaker 2:I mean, we all to some extent or another, whether we're secure or healthy, or insecure and unhealthy, we put our best foot forward, of course. So how do you discern between that and that kind of love-bombing aspect? And I think sometimes love-bombing or those kinds of behaviors that we would associate with love bombing might not actually be love bombing, they might be genuine. So, like, how do you discern between, like the manipulative love bombing and just genuine, genuinely nice behaviors? That's a kind of thing I feel like women question themselves a lot.
Speaker 3:I know I question myself sometimes.
Speaker 3:Absolutely, and it's not always clear cut. Yeah, it's not always easy to tell. But the way that you work on that is you strengthen your relationship with yourself and so that you have that trust in yourself. Yeah, that's the core. No matter what the other person is saying or doing, how they're acting, it's your intuition, your gut, what you believe, the energy that you feel when you're with that person. Are you questioning yourself? Do you feel secure around them? So all of that is the inner work of strengthening your trust with yourself, being able to trust yourself.
Speaker 1:And being able to say I'm not going to do this anymore, I'm walking away.
Speaker 3:Exactly, I'm worth more. Right Right your self-worth, I'm worth more.
Speaker 1:And not being fearful of being alone, knowing that at the end of the day it will be fine.
Speaker 2:In the moment it might hurt, it might suck, but you know that you'll be all right, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it's okay to be alone, certainly as we know from this show. Oh my gosh, that's funny. Yes, and then also another maybe it could tie into this too like narcissists. So that is thrown around a lot too right.
Speaker 2:Trauma bond.
Speaker 1:I'm in a relationship with a narcissist and I'm trauma bonded and it's all kind of what is your definition, you know, because everybody's is a little bit different, right?
Speaker 2:I just feel like every woman thinks every single man is a narcissist, right, right, absolutely.
Speaker 1:So how do we? For the women that are in relationships or trauma bonded? I mean, like you said, number one I like that is working on yourself and you being able to get out of it. It doesn't matter if they're a narcissist, if they're a serial killer, what they are. You have to be strong enough to be able to pull yourself out of it. So you have to do the work, ladies, if you find yourself repeating and getting into these toxic relationships and becoming over and over again obviously it's your responsibility to turn around say I need some help yeah, you're the common denominator in every single relationship, right, or you keep?
Speaker 1:picking the same type of men, but for also people that are like oh, he was a narcissist, my ex-husband was an arso, blah, blah, what's yeah?
Speaker 3:you know, like if someone came to you and wanted therapy from you.
Speaker 1:If we both came to you and then you're writing in your notes and you said, okay, she's a narcissist, what would we have to have in order for you? I would not, I definitely would not write that, no, but I'm saying when someone comes, yes, someone comes to you oh please. My ex would be like labeler. What do you have to embody and produce and show to be labeled?
Speaker 3:Right, and that's the thing is like. I don't like labels so much. Right, because a label means you have to fit the entire definition. Right. And when it comes to narcissistic personality disorder, there's specific traits that they have to have and they have to have all of them. Right, and they say that only 5% or less of the population.
Speaker 1:A very small percent of the population has all of them yeah, so you could have tendencies towards yes and so that's why I like narcissistic versus Behavior.
Speaker 3:Yeah Versus narcissist because we're just putting the entire label on the person, right, and then sometimes that puts us at a disadvantage too, because now we're just seeing that person as a narcissist. They're labeled that way. We're not going to be able to see anything else Right, we're not going to be able to see beyond that, and so it really is. What you're looking for is the lack of empathy. I think that's the most alarming characteristic of narcissists the lack of empathy. Because how can you really be in a relationship with somebody who doesn't have empathy? That means there's no space for you at all in the relationship. There's no space for you. They're not going to hold space for your feelings and what you're going through.
Speaker 3:That's the most alarming trait. What people tend to focus on is the grandiosity right, it's like they think highly of themselves, and that could be confidence, that could be insecurity. You have no idea what that is and what's really underneath, and so the lack of empathy is the biggest trait to kind of look for. Okay, and then also putting other people down, right, like I have to feel great and so I have to put people down. That's also the alarming thing to look for, because if somebody thinks they're the greatest, okay.
Speaker 2:Right, that's different.
Speaker 3:That might not be as harmful as that lack of empathy, the putting other people down, uh the need for control yes and need for control and approval and constant, you know, affection accolades yeah yeah, admiration right.
Speaker 1:So, ladies, if you think your man is a narcissist, like everybody does those are some traits that they at least have to be showing in order for you to be throwing that word around. Mm-hmm, absolutely. And then here's another thing. So once you realize I'm in this trauma bond, you know I find a lot of people don't go for therapy. Do you know what I'm saying? And that's why there's these cycles and we keep seeing this over and over, because if everybody went and everybody got fixed, there'd be no trauma bond. You know what I'm saying? It wouldn't be a repetitive behavior. So what happens if somebody's like I can't afford to go for therapy? Where do they go? What do they do? What happens if they're a stay-at-home mom, right, and they have kids and they know they're in this? I see this a lot and they just don't know where to go and they don't know what to do. What would you tell them should be their first steps to do? Like, what would you tell them should be? You know their first steps.
Speaker 3:It's a great question. There's a lot of options out there, right, that can be affordable, whether it's going through insurance or asking for sliding scale fees. People don't always know to ask for that. You can ask therapists do you have sliding scale fees? Which is what? What does that mean? It depends on your income. The fee will slide down. Okay, yeah, so the therapist will look at your income and then slide the fee down to what makes sense for you.
Speaker 3:There's also a lot of therapists will do pro bono cases Really. Yes, yeah, I do, yeah, okay, I do. I have a few of those on my caseload as well as very low fee cases as well, and you know there's certain companies that offer low fees. I know there's Open Path Psychotherapy, so sessions are $30 or $60. Okay, so I was one of the therapists on Open Path, just to. I think it's so important to be able to be accessible and to provide that for people who are looking for affordable options.
Speaker 2:Everyone deserves it right To be able to work on themselves. Personally, it's like a second job, trying to find someone who takes your insurance, someone who'll just pick up the phone.
Speaker 1:Well, a lot is out of pocket. A lot, I will admit. A lot of therapists are out of pocket, or even a lot of people are maxed out with their patient load.
Speaker 2:You know they're not accepting new patients, so thank you for sharing that Absolutely.
Speaker 1:And here's another thing that I find you know, so, so, so important to find the right therapist for you, and not only the right therapist for you, that you learn to trust right, because if you don't trust, you're not going to open up and you're not going to be honest.
Speaker 2:But you know not every therapist is a great therapist not, you know for you, a great fit for you, or?
Speaker 1:just a great therapist like you know. Like what was that emdr? That you do some people that do EMDR could be just starting and not knowing really what they're doing. You know what I mean. Did you guys talk about that last session?
Speaker 2:A little bit yeah.
Speaker 1:And you know what I'm saying. Like you also have to do your research about what you know, are you going for trauma therapy, you going for family counseling? Are you go like it matters?
Speaker 3:what you're going for. Yeah, you really want to look at the person's, not only qualifications, the letters behind their name, but additional trainings, right that? They've participated in certifications, and that's the thing with EMDR there's different levels. You can have an EMDR trained therapist, and then they're certified right, and then there's consultant and trainings and then consultants. So there's different levels and so it's just being aware and finding somebody who's really qualified.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but that's on the. You know us to vet and to pick the right therapist with the right training, you know, for our needs and our, you know.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and use the free consult right, because then you can really address all those concerns before you get into that first session and you're letting out all your trauma on the table, right, right.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And so you want to be able to make sure that you're a good fit, you feel comfortable with this person and their energy and you know you feel like you can open up and they're a good match for you.
Speaker 1:And then you know you set up that first session, right, yeah, and because I do see a lot of ladies out there that are right, that will write in or that I'll see on our different sites that we look at and they're like oh, I've been seeing somebody for however long and it's not helping, whether that could be marriage counseling, family counseling or trauma counseling, you know whatever. So in that case it should be helping. Do you know what I'm saying? Like the whole point, ladies, you should know that too. Within how long should it?
Speaker 2:be helping. Yeah, it's not an overnight thing. It's not an overnight thing Because this is stuff that has accumulated for X amount of years. You know no.
Speaker 1:I don't mean overnight, like I've been seeing them for two weeks and nothing's helping. I mean that the women that are saying oh, I've been going to this therapist for two years and I haven't seen any change in my child, or I haven't seen any change in my. It's not helping me personally, I don't feel any better about something.
Speaker 3:Time to find another therapist. Yes, yes.
Speaker 1:So how long give or take? Like within what?
Speaker 3:eight months a year, of course it does it definitely depends on the situation, and that's why I truly believe in EMDR, because it's proven to be three times faster than talk therapy alone. Right and so, and I really do believe that talk therapy alone is not enough. I really do believe that talk therapy alone is not enough. Like you need EMDR or IFS or brain spotting, something that goes above and beyond just talk therapy alone and accesses a different part of the brain, the body and the nervous system. That's where you're going to find faster results.
Speaker 1:And that works with trauma bonding.
Speaker 3:Oh, absolutely yes.
Speaker 1:So, ladies, if you find you're in a trauma bond, you want to look for a therapist that's certified in EMDR. Absolutely Okay, that's good.
Speaker 2:And just could briefly go over what that is. Again, just for people.
Speaker 1:Oh, the EMDR. Yeah, yeah, I know, but just for everyone.
Speaker 3:Absolutely so. Emdr stands for eye movement, des desensitization and reprocessing, and it is a trauma modality where we access the limbic system of the brain. So that's the part of the brain that's feeling, sensing memories, right, and we use eye movement, just like in REM sleep, right, the eyes dart back and forth and it processes memories. You'll get all these dreams of like previous events, and so what we do is we do that in wake state, so you're awake and we're able to access trauma memories, and not only access them but work through them, process them, get whatever's stuck. We get it unstuck.
Speaker 1:So when you're doing this, you're awake. Are you remembering, like, are we talking? While you're doing this, emdr Is there, talk along with it, or is it something? Because I know last time you had mentioned it was like a light and your rapid eye movement. So while that's going on and you're doing that, are you remembering memories or is it just something that sort of works while you're not talking?
Speaker 3:How does so it's a combination of talk and just following the light or following the fingers back and forth while you're processing. There's no talking Because we don't want to get in the way of the brain doing the work.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So the brain does all the work and we sit back and we kind of watch. But what the therapist will do is say you know, pause. We'll pause the light, we'll say take a breath, what did you notice? So we'll ask what did you notice? Very open ended, it's not. What did you feel? What did you notice? So we'll ask what did you notice? Very open-ended, it's not. What did you feel, what did you think? Just what did you notice? And it could be anything that the person noticed. Memories came up, body sensations, emotions, and we'll say, okay, go with that. We'll say go with that and we'll continue the processing. So it's less talking and more the brain healing itself.
Speaker 1:Okay, and and more the brain healing itself, okay, and could that be a little uncomfortable for the person that's doing it because of the feelings and is that sometimes do people get a little, just so the viewers know what they're in? You know what I mean? Yeah, and it could.
Speaker 3:And that's why we spend a lot of time in there's eight phases of EMDR and we spend a lot of time in resourcing before we go into the processing. And resourcing is building your strength, is strengthening your brain. It's providing you visualization techniques, calming we do a lot of somatic work, calming the body, so we prep you before you're going to be going into that deeper work.
Speaker 1:Okay, yeah, good. Good for our viewers to know.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Might be giving you a call. Yeah, good, good for our viewers to know. Yeah, absolutely Might be giving you a call. I got issues two individuals who have experienced trauma and they have maybe like an unhealthy dependence on each other or something like that. Does it always have to be abusive? No, yeah.
Speaker 3:And you're right. Thank you for bringing that up. That's another aspect of it, right, because there's so many definitions of trauma bonding. That's another definition where I think a lot of people on social media are very aware of is you have a similar traumatic experience or maybe a similar childhood experience and then that bonds you together and because you can understand it, you're aware of it, you can kind of help each other through it, support each other through it, and that can be a trauma bonding that doesn't always have to be negative.
Speaker 1:Yeah Right. Well, I was kind of bringing that up before too that what I found like we had said that somebody that's secure in self, where the attachment styles that we were talking about. Usually, if they are secure like that, they usually don't go for the you know what I'm saying Insecure.
Speaker 2:The insecure.
Speaker 1:They catch it before it even becomes the trauma bond. So I do see that, you know, I do see that a lot, especially ladies. You know you break up with somebody, you get out of that trauma bond. We had discussed this last time because I see this all the time too and this happens, I'm sure, with you. It's happened with me. You break up with somebody, you know it wasn't good, you know it was bad, and then they get with somebody else and you hear about it and you're like, oh my God, they're treating them so much better.
Speaker 1:You know we've discussed this before, but they're not. It's going to come back at like nobody who has trauma could all of a sudden, without any therapy, become this secure. Wonderful. It doesn't work like that, right, you have to put in the work. So I feel like, with the trauma bonding two people that are in traumatic states, they bond together. You know what I'm trying to say. And then that's unhealthy too, but that could be. They could be toxic together. Do you know what I mean? That happens a lot too right, right.
Speaker 3:And you don't always know on the outside what's going on in the relationship.
Speaker 1:Of course, yeah, yeah, you absolutely don't yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so thank you so much for coming. Yeah, thank you for having me. Is there anything else?
Speaker 1:we should know about trauma like any other aspects of it. So we learned how you get in it. We learned the type of people that would create it. We learned what you need to get out of it therapy and work on yourself and how to avoid it. Secure right.
Speaker 3:Just make sure you have a great support network around you, right? Because if you're stuck in something, if you're not able to get out, you have people in your corner who will help you.
Speaker 1:Pull you out of it, tell you that's not normal, that shouldn't be happening.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you don't deserve to be treated that way. Absolutely Okay, good, great Well, thank you so much we're going to have to do gaslighting.
Speaker 1:So much, thank you. We're going to have to do gaslighting Another big one's gaslighting.
Speaker 2:Right Another buzzword. Everyone's being gaslit every day, all the time.
Speaker 1:Oh yes, that's another show we'll have coming for you. Ladies. We'll explain when somebody says they're gaslighting me all the time.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 1:All right, great Well, thank you so much. Thank you For coming back on our show, we enjoyed having you and what will we have?
Speaker 2:uh, sadia's info in the show notes. So if anyone wants, to contact her.
Speaker 1:Yes, we'll have her email, her phone number, everything awesome, yeah, perfect. Well, thank you for listening. Ladies and gentlemen, we hope we helped you with trauma bonds. If you have any questions, please write in to us. Sadia will be happy to answer any of your questions. We're on Dating Daycare on Facebook. What else are we on Instagram?
Speaker 2:Yeah, instagram, it's a private Facebook group, so request us.
Speaker 1:We look forward to seeing you again. Thank you for watching. Bye.
